


Flirty Phil (Boyxboy)

by uncreative_phan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Teenagers, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Fluff, Dancer Dan Howell, Dancing Lessons, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-17 09:38:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 34,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13656345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uncreative_phan/pseuds/uncreative_phan
Summary: Phil Lester is in deep trouble, he entered a dance competition with a mystery partner . . .





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (in this Phil has a sister called Jessica)

A small person is licking me... I'm not panicking this happens a lot. The person starts kissing my face. I smell peanut butter and raspberries? And they're wearing wellies. _Wellies?_ That's new.

I turn over and grope for my phone, looking at the screen it reads 5.34 am. Why am i awake? 

"Phil!!" Jessica cries. "Happy Birthday!" 

"Go away it's not my birthday." I say, trying to push my little sister of off my bed. 

"I got you a present!" Comes her muffled voice from somewhere in my bed. 

"Present later?" I ask hopeful. I could probably sleep with her there, it's not that bad, quite cozy an- 

"Present now Philly!" She screams at me. She's obviously in a rather hyper mood, so I say what I always say to get rid of her quickly. 

"Did you hear that Jessica?" 

"What?" 

"I think I heard a noise from downstairs in the kitchen," I gasp for more effect, "Mum must be making pancakes!" 

"Pancakes!! Yummy!!" Jessica practically screams before she shoots out of my room and runs downstairs. Leaving me to snuggle my face into my pillow. 

- 

Two hours later, Jessica has come to the door to see me off to school. Headbutting my stomach, she shouts "Love you, Lion!" 

"Love you too, Jessie." I say, pushing her firmly back into the house. 

I wave back to her as i walk down my garden path and start the walk to the bus stop. Now is the time the shyness sweeps over me and I leave real Phil at home and take shy Phil to school. Already, as i walk to the bus stop, shy Phil is making me hunch my shoulders and stare at the floor.   
The further I get from my house, the less i feel like me. 

"Though I may be little, I am fierce." I whisper under my breath as I approach the year elevens who hang out on the wall outside of the Co-op. I sit in my usual spot away from the others and get out my phone.

One of the really try-hard slaggy girls throw an M&M at me. It bounces off of my head and lands on my lap between my hands. 

"Eat the M&M Phil! Go on, eat it!" The girl shouts, snickering back to her friends. I brush it to the floor and they all laugh. 

I've pretty much made myself invisible by the time the bus arrives, and when i drop down into my seat next to Louise she doesn't even look up. She's staring into that tiny mirror she always carries with her. At first, I think she's just checking out the perfectness of her blond hair, but then she grabs my arm and pulls me closer. Hissing a quick "Look behind us!"

I peer back trough the bus, "What?" 

"It's him! Danie- Dan Howell. Oh god. Don't look! Look! No. Don't look. Okay look now. Sooooo hot!" 

I sneak a sideways glance at her and just as suspected, her mouth is half open and her eyes are all big and puppy-like. Goddammit Louise. 

"Don't look a me," she says. "Look at him!" 

 And so for once I look. And I can really see what she's getting at. Daniel Howell has got these kind, brown eyes, obviously straightened hair and shoulders that look a bit like man shoulders and his hands ar-

"Philly, are you listening?" Louise snaps her mirror shut."I think you need to be more realistic and forget about Year Elevens and focus in Year Tens. Also maybe he's the one for you? There was 'the hug', after all." 

"What? He said that was an accident!" 

Louise snorts, "It didn't look like an 'accident"' 

"He thought I was his brother. We've got the same coat... The one with the animals on it." 

"He. Is. So. So. Good. For. You. Don't you think?" Says Louise, ignoring my little slice of reality.

"Yeah sure Louise," I say glancing back to see Dan listening to his iPod and looking out the window at some trees. "Dan seems-" 

"Say it!" Louise is gleeful. "Go on, say it. Say Dan Howell is good for you!" I shut my mouth refusing to say anything. 

"Say it. Say it. Say it!" 

"Okay, okay! I can see, from your point of view, that he could be described as... good for me." 

"Yes! He totally is!" She grabs my arm shaking it slightly. "I knew you thought he was too!" 

I look back at Dan. "He rolls his sleeves up, you know, all the time and his arms are.. nice..." I trail off. Louise smiles. I still refuse to agree 'he's good for me.'

 

 


	2. Buffy

Louise looks at me with slightly narrowed eyes. "I need your maths book." She sits back, a smile on her face, "I've forgotten to do my homework."

Louise always  _forgets_ to do her homework and I always show her mine. I guess it's one of our BFF (best friends forever) thing. I scrabble about in my bag, but instead of my maths book I pull out something hard, hairy and plastic.

"What is that?" Louise sounds disgusted. 

I look at the object in my hand and fully cringe. I'm clasping a naked Barbie doll by the head. I say naked, but her private area has been carefully colored in with a blue felt tip and embellished with glitter. 

"It's Buffy!" I say, laughing. 

"Buffy?" Definitely no laugh from Louise. 

"Jessica's doll. She said she had a present for me this morning and I guess this is it. Buffy's named after Buffy the vampire slayer if you're wondering." 

"I don't care who your weirdo, little sister named it after. Get rid of it!" 

"Look," I show her the colored areas, Louise shrinks away. "It's funny, she's supposed to look like Buffy the vampire slayer.. not that Buffy has a glittery-" 

At that moment the bus shoots round a corner and Buffy flies out of my hand and starts to roll don the aisle of the bus. 

"Phil you loser, get it!" Louise shrieks, as i drop to the floor of the bus and start rummaging around people's feet and bags.

"Oh Philly!!" Comes a high pitch voice from the back off the bus. "Have you lost your Barbie?" 

I look up.  _Oh no..._ This is bad. So, so bad. Sharon Harris has Buffy. She's reclining on the back seats off the bus, her smooth legs draped over a boy's lap, Buffy dangling between two blue nails. I walk slowly towards her, hanging my head in shame and embarrassment. 

"Philly, why have you brought your doll to school?" 

The whole back row collapses into laughter at Sharon's  _amazing_ sense of humor. It was Sharon who first gave me the affectionate nickname 'Philly' and then, many years later, it turned into a cruel nickname. 

"Um Hello? Is this your little girlfriend?" She gives Buffy a big kiss then leans forward and tries to smooch the doll into my mouth.

I push it away, swaying as the bus picks up speed. Her gang crackles and then stares in silence, waiting for the show to continue. I don't say or do anything, I just stand there, praying she'll get bored and leave me alone. 

"So, do you want it back?"

"It's my sisters." I say quietly. 

There's a tiny moment where I can see Sharon think, ' _wait you've got a sister? Since when?'_ But then she snaps back with a look of  _'Yeah right.'_ Followed with more laughter from her cool gang.

"She's got beautiful ginger hair," She adds, stroking the doll's thick, mattered hair. "It's just like yours Philly."

Suddenly, she leans across the seat in front of her and apparently Dan's seat and holds the doll out of the window. Dan turns around slowly to see what's going on and pulls out one of his earphones. Sharon pushes Buffy out even further, a big smile on her stupid face.

Now I have to say something; Jessica loves that doll. "Give it back, Sharon. It's my sisters favorite!" 

But she just pushes it out even further, "Ahh. Is dis your favorwit Barbie dat you cwuddle in bed?" 

Slowly. It happens so slowly in my eyes. Dan Howell reaches up, takes the doll from Sharon and throws it in my direction. Of course, I don't catch it and have to scramble about the floor of the bus to get it. 

When i stand up, Dan is sharing his earphones with Sharon. Their faces are so close together it's hard to tell where Dan's ear ends and Sharon's lips begin. Luckily, I am forgotten. 

"That was beyond embarrassing," says Louise as I slump back in my seat, cheeks flaming. "You are an embarrassment, Philip." 

"I know, I know, I'm sorry." I shove Buffy back into my bag and we sit in silence until we get to school. 

 

-

 

By the time we go into assembly, I'm 99% forgiven and Louise even links arms with me. Mrs Zanders, our head teacher, launches straight into wheelie bins as soon as the whole school is quiet in assembly. The women is wheelie bin obsessed. 

"Not only is it unhygienic to put the year sevens in them," she says. "It's also very mean." 

She hovers over her laptop tutting and tapping until a photo of a wheelie bin appears on the projector with a red cross over it. In the middle of the cross is a tiny face representing a student at our school. Her mouth relaxes into a smile.

"So remember, year nines," she says. "Wheelie bins are out of bounds. Any other notices?" 

"Just one," calls Miss Hewitt, our dance teacher, jogging to the front. "Right, year nines, I've got some big news..." She pauses dramatically. "You could all be on T.v!!" There are murmurs of interest. 

"I've been sent information about a new T.v talent show called Starwars. Think Britain's Got Talent for teens. There's going to be a series for singers, one for actors, one for comedians, you get the idea. Anyway, the good news is that the first one's for, wait for it... dancers! Yay!" 

 While Miss Hewitt does a celebratory moonwalk, there are a few groans, mainly from the boys, but loads more whoops, even a small one from me, and I am not a whooper. 

The girls in my year are dance mad and, in the safety and privacy of my own bedroom (door shut, curtains closed) I love dancing. Some people may think it's weird or whatever but I can't help it. I love it! 

"What do you win?" Comes a voice from around the back of the hall. Mrs Z draws in a breath, but Miss Hewitt gets there first. 

"Over the summer, the winners get professional training at stage school. Then they preform in a West End musical. Oh, and it will all be on T.v, of course." 

Whispers ripple around the hall. "If you're going to make it to the T.v stage, you need to go to an audition and Brighton's hosting our one next Thursday. Anyone can audition. You can dance on your own or as a group, in any style, to any type of music." 

Now everyone starts talking at once, "Calm down, calm down!" Shouts Mrs Z, her voice rising the more she's ignored. I keep quiet obviously. 

"Hey Phil," whispers Louise. "Let's do it! I can ask Sharon if we can be with her. She's an amazing dancer!" 

There is so much wrong with this idea that I don't even know where to start, but before I can say anything- "Um Hello? We haven't been friends since we were sev-" Louise leans forward, blocking me out to speak to Sharon. 

Sharon shakes her head then turns to look at me. I stare straight ahead, but I can still feel her cold blue eyes studying me, taking everything in. I blush and Sharon smiles across me like a spell.

Mrs Z yells a decisive, "QUIET!" and the hall falls silent. 

Louise says under her breath, "Don't worry, Phil. I can sort it out at lunchtime we're having our first practice in the gym!" 

"Philip Lester. Stand up!" Mrs Z points a finger in my direction and two hundred pairs of eyes follow that finger. I get to my feet quickly. 

"You will join me at lunchtime to pick up litter for the wheelie bins.." She pauses and tries to control her anger. She fails. "And you can remain standing for the rest of the assembly." 

No. No. No. No. Please just kill me. I'm thinking to myself. 

And so I have to stand, head hanging, while the captain of the netball team gives a detailed match report including a slow-mo replay of the winning shoot, followed by Mr Giggs guiding us through the '17 steps to safe internet use." 

 He takes a lot of questions at the end of his lecture. The first question from a boy called Chris Kendall I think: "Sir, if I'm on Instagram chatting to a hot girl, how do I know it's not you?" 

Mr Gigg's misguided response was: "It could be me, Chris! But that is illegal and so if it was me I could be arrested!" 

I really hate this place..


	3. Too skinny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louise is kinda an ass in this, she's not like this in real life. She's actually really nice but for the sake of this story she's an ass.

 

A football flies past my head. 

"Kick it back," yells a boy.

I don't but I do pretend not to hear the insult that followers. I just continue plodding forward, picking up rubbish with a single washing-up gloves Mrs Z had given me. I spot Louise coming towards me across the field. We meet at the football cage, or as I like to call it 'Home of the chavs.' 

"Sorry about this, Phil." 

"Yeah, well... I've nearly finished now." I wave my bulging bin bag around her legs. 

"No, I don't mean that... the other girls think it should just be a girls dance group, and Sharon says it's probably better that way. She said she doesn't want people thinking your gay or anything." 

"What do you mean?" 

"You know... the dance competition. Sharon thinks it should just be girls, and she doesn't think you're into dancing." 

"Not gay? Not into dancing? I mean sure, I don't want to come out about my sexuality just yet, but we're  _always_ dancing! We've spent half out lives making up dances in our bedrooms!" 

My eyes feel suspiciously like they might cry any second now. 

"Also Phil, you're not the right shape... you're too tall and too skinny."

"What's that got to do with anything?" I say gripping the bin bag tightly. 

"Sharon thinks the judge's will be wanting a certain look," says Louise, biting her lip and fiddling with her phone.

"You're just the wrong shape and you're a guy. So-" She breaks off and sniffs. Is she about to cry? Is she pretending to cry to get out of this? I'm so confused. 

"It's just really hard for me you know?" No, I don't know. Our eyes meet and she takes this as a good sign and smiles.. bravely. 

"Maybe you could enter with Pj, you guys always used to hang out." 

"Yeah... used too, that was in year seven! And now he hangs out with the popular kids." 

Louise is still my best friend, but every now and then she does something  _really_ mean, something that hurts. A lot. So much that I want to rub tuna fish in her face. (she really hates tuna fish, okay?) But I also need her to be my best friend, she's my only friend. So I just do a little smile and say: 

"Don't worry about it. I didn't want to do it anyway.." 

"Cool, thanks, Phil!" She giggles, her shoulders relaxing. "I knew you wouldn't be bothered. Sharon said you'd freak! As if, you're awesome. Speak to you later?" 

"Yeah... definitely." I mumble as I hobble across the field, screwing up my fists as tight as I could.

-

After school, I wait for Louise by our lockers. Soon enough, the school corridor feels spookily  empty and teachers start giving me sympathetic looks. Time to leave. 

Five minutes later I get a text:

_'Soz Phil can't get bus :'( hv dance practice!! Luv Louise xxxxxx'_

Those are guilty sounding kisses. 

When I get home, I run up to my bedroom, slam the door and throw myself down on my bed. Finally admitting that I really do want to take part in Starwars.

I'd never tell Louise that, but the moment Miss Hewitt mentioned it I began to imagine the two of us making up a routine, nothing amazing but something a bit different. We'd go to the auditions and obviously we wouldn't get through, but the other boys and girls in our year would like it and the  _shyness_ would disappear and I'd be in the magic year nice group where everything is so easy and fun! But that was never going to happen. I love dancing, but I'm not like Louise or Sharon, I'm just a too skinny, too tall boy.

I roll onto my side, my room usually makes me happy. The carpet's thick, soft and dark blue, perfect for lying face down on. Also, I'm surrounded by lions. My Nan buys me animal magazines and I cut out all the lions and stick them all over the walls. Mum was annoyed at first, but gave up when they started to creep onto my door and ceiling. 

My eyes drift to my bedside table where I dropped my phone. It's cluttered with pens, loads of broken earphones, lion toys and... what is that? I sit up and grab the glass of water I keep by my bed. 

Something is in there, something pink and white. Slowly, it turns around in the water and faces me, or should I say grin at me? Ew, oh my god. They're teeth. I'm staring at a big pair of grinning teeth! 

"Hello, love!" Said a familiar voice from the doorway. 

Oh, it appears that my grandmother has moved into my bedroom. 

"Hiya, Nan," I say, quickly taking in all the nannish evidence that is scattered around my room: a stack of animal magazines, (more that usual) the whiff of Chanel No5, and the electric blanket in my bed. 

"What are you doing here? In your onesie?" 

"Surprise!" She lisps, it's hard to talk without teeth in. She must realised this because she fishes them out of my glass and pops them back in. 

"Best not drink that, love." She smiles. I'm not smiling. I'm never gonna smile again. That's how horrible I feel.

She sits down at my dressing table and begins rolling tiny pick rollers into her hair.

"Now, what's up with you, grumpy face?" 

"School was the worst." I say, clenching my fists. Then I tell her about the whole disastrous day. While she listens, she powders her cheeks with a huge powder puff and begins to file her nails. By the time Mum calls me down to tea, she's given them two coats of 'Lush Tangerine.'

"Don't worry Phil, love," she says. "I've got the perfect plan to teach those nasty girls a lesson." 

Uh-oh... but just as she's about to explain, Mum shouts up to me to lay the table. 

Nan flops down on my bed, spilling pencils on to the floor, and starts tapping away on her iPhone. "Go and help your mum," she says as I leave the room. "Nan'll sort it all out!" 

 

 


	4. Tomorrow?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jive - a lively style of dance popular especially in the 1940s and 1950s, performed to swing music or rock and roll.  
> In case you were wondering ;)

In the hallway, I meet Jessica, who has dry spaghetti suck to her cheeks, a raisin in each nostril and a pair of mum's leggings tucked into the back of her pants. I pick her up, not wanting an explanation, but instead I get a lick to the face. 

"I'm a cat!" She informs me. 

"That's great Jessica! Next time maybe don't use dry spaghetti as whiskers." I say, continuing to walk down the hallway. 

I go into the kitchen, dragging her behind me. Mum's rummaging about in the fridge so she doesn't notice our presence. For the past 3 weeks, Dad's been in Mexico making sure his mother is okay. Right now, Mum's got a slightly manic look on her face because of it, so I don't mention anything about Buffy's trip to school with me. 

"It's all sorted, love," says Nan, walking into the kitchen. She waves her phone around triumphantly. "You know, your dancing problem." 

I stop everything. Stop moving, stop thinking, stop breathing. "What do you mean?" 

"Well, I just had a chat with Lulu, my old dance teacher and she's got a partner for you! She'll give you a crash course so you can be ready for the auditions on Thursday." 

"A crash course? What in?" 

"Jive.. Rock and roll.. you know, like in that film Grease." She looks rather pleased with herself. Jive? Rock and roll? The very words are tragic. I can't do that.

"Look, Nan," I say. "I can't do that sort of dance in the competition. It needs to be more like what you see in music videos." 

"But that's slightly pornographic, Philip. I'm old, I know things. Anyway, you said it yourself, you're allowed to do any style of dance." I'm speechless. This is mainly because I'm horrified for a number of reasons at this point. 

"So it's decided then. You'll do a nice jive dance for your competition and you won't need to be in a group with those mean girls. When they see you on Thursday, they'll be amazed." 

Yes, amazed. Also delighted, but not for the reasons Nan thinks. Does she want me to die from humiliation?

"You know, Nan," I say desperately, "lessons are expensive, and I don't think Mum and Dad can afford them."

"My treat, love. Anyway, I get a discount because Lulu loves me. I was her best student." She states.

"I doubt that Nan, who's going to be my partner? Nearly everyone in the school hates me." 

"Yes, love, Lulu knows that. She say's she's found you a lovely young man. Don't worry he won't hate you, you'll get along just fine tomorrow." 

"Tomorrow? What?" This is horrible.. I don't even have enough time to mentally prepare myself. 

"Yes, I've booked your first lesson, straight after school. Now I must go finish my hair, where do you keep your straighteners Philip?" 

"Upstairs.." And with that she leaves the kitchen and I'm left alone to gather my thoughts. 

-

"I'm sorry-arse about-arse the dance-arse," says Louise, doing her puppy eyes at me from our usual bus seat.

After a moment's hesitation, I sit down next to her. I manage to be quiet for about 0.25 seconds before she sticks some chocolate under my nose and says: 

"Twixarse?" 

Twixarse.. that's funny. I can't stop myself from letting out a giggle. We invented the language of 'arse' together. It's definitely easier to learn than french. 

"I forgive you Louisearse," I say, taking the Twix. 

Then to seal the deal, we play our bus game. It's good today. At each stop, we say a random number and the person who gets on the bus matching our number is our secret lover. I get sniffin' Jack (he once sniffed my hair in the lunch line) and Louise gets Sharon (how  _appropriate_ ).

When we get into form, she squeezes my arm and says, "Back in a minute," before heading over to the other side of the room. This morning, Sharon is busy instructing her followers in the ancient art of eyebrow plucking. Louise joins the group of girls surrounding her.

I sigh and walk over to Chris, who's drawing on Pj's arm. Chris is as mad as the mad hatter, and I love hanging out with him. But i secretly suspect he finds me boring and only puts up with me because of out boy-gang past. Right now, he's using red Biro to carefully color in a big Pokemon ball, and in the middle of the ball he's written 'The dancing catchers' in bubble writing. 

"Hey, Phil! What'd ya think?" 

"It's impressive, especially the shading and it's so big!" He grins. He looks particularly crazy today, but in a good way. 

"It's our groups name and logo." 

"Really? You're entering Starwars?" I ask, surprised. I didn't think dancing was his thing. 

"Yep, me and Pj are going to be doing some amazing street dancing." 

He starts to bust some moves to show me what he means, "Just like 'The dancing laddies,' we're going to be doing it _man style!"  
_

"Ooh," I say, "So you're basically copying Sharon's group?" If Sharon finds out she's kill him. Is he insane? Yes, slightly..

"Kind of, except instead of sweat pants, I'm guessing they'll be wearing sweat pants or tight shorts, we'll be dancing in skinny jeans and baggy shirts. Also we're going to be dancing to the Pokemon theme tune, it may be hard to dance to at first but it will be totally worth it. It's going to be great Phil!" 

His eyes go all dreamy as he imagines it, then he flashes them back to me. "So, big invitation.. drum roll please.." He taps his hands on the desk to make a drumming sound. "Do you want to join us?" 

For a moment, my heart leaps at the thought of how much fun I could have, but if I do that I'd loose Louise forever.

"I'd better not.. Louise would never speak to me again. She's in Sharon's 'Popular' girl gang." 

"OMG! You wouldn't want to upset Louise.. can you imagine?" Chris laughs, then stops when he sees my face. "What's wrong?" 

I consider telling him about how Louise dumped me, but decide not to. To Louise and Chris together, you'd never believe they made up half of our friendship gang. Really, it was their fight that eventually led out group splitting. 

Just before out nativity play in year four, Chris ripped off his  star costume in front of Miss Hooker and screamed ' _I want to be the angel!!'_ ' again and again and again, until his words came true. 

You see, unfortunately, Louise was the angel. Chances are they would have forgotten about it by home time, that is if Louise hadn't snatched the angel wings back mid-performance and started the Angel punch-up.

"My Nan's come to stay at our house for a few weeks," I say. "She's sleeping in my bedroom.. with me. We're sharing, and I guess it's just annoying." 

"Are you serious? I wouldn't let anyone share my bedroom with me." Pj buts in. 

"No one would  _want_ to, Peej. It's disgusting." Chris says, punching Pj playfully in the arm. 

Before Pj could agree, a shadow looms over us. Sharon is standing, hands on hips, glaring at Chris. She's breathing heavily through her nose in an attempt to look scary. It works, for me anyway.

"What are you doing?" She asks, annoyed already. 

Chris looks up. "What?" Nothing scares Chris. Not even Sharon.

"That." Sharon prods Pj's arm with her long nails. 

"Since you asked so nicely, Sharon, I'll explain. I am coloring in a Pokemon ball. In the center of the ball are the words, 'The dancing catchers' which is the name of our, like, totally awesome dance group!" 

"You stole our name," Sharon spits. 

"You're called 'The dancing catchers' too? No way!" 

"You know what I mean, weirdo. We're called 'The dancing laddies' and your name sounds just like ours." 

Chris pretends to think for a moment. "I don't think it sounds  _just_ like yours. Really, it's only the first two words that are the same, creating the  _illusion_ that they're similar." He turns away from Sharon and carries on with his coloring. 

"Change it." Sharon says, threateningly. 

"Umm.. let me think about that.." Chris taps his Biro on his teeth. "How about.. no?" 

"You think you're so clever, you and your strange little freak friends, don't you?" Chris ignores Sharon and his 'strange little freak friends' all do the same.

Everyone can tell Sharon's about to get nasty. She leans over, puts her face close to Chris'. 

"You've got a weird face. It gives me the creeps. You should try putting a paper bag over your head to cover it because at the moment your face makes me feel sick. It's bad enough that you smell without having to look like  _that._ " Sharon presses a finger into Chris' forehead, then she turns and walks back to her seat.

Sharon knows just how to hurt someone. Once, just once, Chris forgot to wash his sports kit and it smelt pretty bad. Sharon somehow noticed and she's never shut up about it since. That's what she's like. 

We sit in silence for a few seconds and then Chris says, "And your face looks like a great big pile of horse shi-" 

"Chris," Pj warns. "She's watching." 

"Louise hangs out with such nice people," Chris says, turning to me. His voice has the whisper of a tremble in it. 

"Louise didn't say anything," I say. Chris looks at me for a moment longer then turns back to Pj and his tattoo. 

-

The rest of the day drags on and after school I leave on my own. Louise's going to Sharon's house to 'plan their image', but she says she'll ring me later. Yeah right.

I'm walking across the playground when a familiar voice calls out, "Over here Philip!" 

Nan? What's she doing  _inside_ the playground.. wearing a white cow boy hat.. and a Top Shop fur coat? She's pushing Jessica in her buggy and, for once, my sister looks like the normal one.. even though her face is painted green like a frog.

"Ready for your first lesson?" Asks Nan.

"Got mums bra," mumbles Jessica.

"What?"  She's got Nan to dress her up in green so she looks more frog-like, she's even got little froggy ears..

"Got Mum's BRA on my HEAD!" She screams, pointing to her frog ears. 

I hear some year ten girls gasp from the other side of the playground. I quickly grab Jessica's buggy and jog with her toward the exit.

"Come on, Nan," I say praying she's following me. "I can't be late for my first salsa lesson, can I?"

"Jive lesson, Philip." 

"Yep, jive lesson, defiantly can't be late for that."

-

Twenty minutes later, we're standing outside a church hall on a deserted street behind Tesco's. Stuck on the information board is a cream flyer for the Amazing Belle jive studio. This, combined with the loud 'rock n' roll' that's drifting out the door tells me we're in the right place.

I feel sick. Shyness overwhelms me and I'm rooted to the pavement. I  _have_ to get out of this. Just as I'm thinking about pretending to faint, Nan pushes the door open and disappears inside, dragging Jessica behind her. I slowly walk behind them into the building, in which I'm immediately greeted with a middle aged woman dancing greatly. The music stops as we walk further into the room and the lady comes over to us, smiling. 

"So you're the Philip I've been hearing so much about," the lady says.

"Phil, please. And I'm assuming you're the Lulu I've been hearing so much about?" 

"That's me, Phil!" She smiles, "So do you want to learn to jive?" 

That's when it hits me, there is nothing in the world I want to do more than learn to jive. But even as I even consider the incredible possibility that, one day, I could dance like Lulu.

I hear myself saying, "Yes, but I could never do what you just did. I can't dance." 

"Have you ever tried to dance like this? She asks." 

"No.." 

"Then how do you know you can't do it?"  

I shrug and Nan speaks up, "She's right, Love. Jive is different, for one thing you don't do it on your own, you have a partner and he shows you the lead.

"It's the men that do all the hard bits," says a man, I didn't hear walk into the room. "Hiya Phil, I'm Ray." 

Lulu rolls her eyes, "Anyway, Phil you won't have to lead anything because you've got a great partner that will lead the dance if need be. You'll be perfect together."

"Oh.. good.." I say in a little voice.

Until this moment, I was so distracted by their dancing that I'd forgotten about Starwars. Nan said he's a 'lovely young man' which means 'boy', which means my ability to behave like a normal human being will vanish. 

Lulu somehow reads my thoughts, "Don't worry. I promise he'll be nice. He has to be.. he's my little brother. I'll beat him up if he isn't perfectly nice to you." I hear the door at the back of the hall open. "Here he is now!" 

We all turn round and watch as a boy-shaped silhouette walks in. Gradually, his silhouette steps out of the shadows and my heart stops.

This is awful...   
This is amazing...   
but most of all, for me, this is terrifying...

"Dan..? Dan Howell..." 

 

 

 


	5. Time to dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sharon is homophobic  
> if that offends you or anything I'm sorry and you maybe shouldn't read this

"Hey Phil," Daniel Howell says, dropping his bag and pulling out his earphones.

"Y-y you know who I am?" Now  _that_ was supposed to be in my head. 

"Well, we go to the same school, get the same bus.. plus, I saved your Barbie's life." 

At the mention of the word, 'Barbie', Jessica begins to scream, "BarbieBarbieBarbieBarbie!!" like an ambulance siren, gradually getting louder. Luckily, Nan decides this is a good time to go to the shop and get some chocolate buttons. 

"Come on," says Lulu. "You two have some work to do. Dan knows a bit so we'll spend today helping Phil catch up, right, Phil, stand here and Dan stand opposite. Okay, now hold hands."  

No way. What if my hands feel dry? Or worse, sweaty? What if they just feel weird? Could I have weird hands? The more I think about my hands the weirder they seem. I begin to feel sweat squeezing out of my fingertips. 

Oh god, any minute now, Daniel Howell will be holding hands with me, Philip Lester, the shy nerdy kid, no one notices. And what's worse is that he probably doesn't want to, he's only doing this because his sister  _made_ him. 

Then i realise that I'm holding hands with Dan Howell and he hasn't screamed or run out of the room. In fact, he's doing what I should be doing, watching Ray and Lulu show us the first move. But for some reason I can't make my eyes behave and they keep sliding, out of control, back to Dan's as I try to work out what he's doing in a church hall holding hands with me, Phil Lester. 

"Concentrate, Phil," he whispers. 

Just then Lulu starts issuing complex instructions about 'Kangaroo hands' and 'push turns' and that't the moment I forget who Daniel Howell is and start to jive. And guess what..  _I can do it._ Each move, even though they're simple, they seem natural and simple. I don't have to screw up my face in concentration and my hands and feet know what they're doing before Lulu speaks. I can dance. Or, at least, I can jive and as far as I'm concerned, as of today, jive is dance. 

Our lesson lasts two hours, but it feels like twenty minutes. Lulu and Ray show us a move, we copy it, then Ray puts on some music for us to practice too. By the end of the lesson I can do a total of 5 things correctly:

1\. Spin

2\. Spin under Dan's arm

3\. Spin around Dan's arm

4\. Spin away from Dan's arm (not that I want to) 

5\. Make eye contact with Dan's arm and occasionally his face! 

It may not sound like much, but when you put it together, it feels  _incredible.._ especially that last one. 

"Right, you two. That's enough for today, we'll finish with a practice dance. What do you think, Ray? Is 'Zoom zoom zoom' too fast?" Asks Lulu. And it is fast, Lulu doesn't tell us what to do, Dan's leading and I'm just following. 

For the first time that afternoon, it doesn't feel as if we're learning to dance. It feels like we  _are_ dancing. Then, almost as soon as it's begun, the music stops. Nan and Jessica, who must have crept in, give us a clap. 

We're gasping for breath and, as we let go of each others hands, Dan falls to the floor laughing. 

"He's killed me!" 

"Don't be stupid, Danny," says Lulu, pulling him up. "I want you both back here the same time tomorrow and basically every night after school until the first round of the competition next week." 

I glance over at Dan.  _Surely_ he must want to get out of this? Didn't he only come along in the first place as some weird favor for his sister? 

"Okay," he says, shrugging. 

"Wait, really?" I ask.

"If we don't practice then Thursday will be a disaster." 

"No, I mean, I don't mind coming but do you want to practice tomorrow?" 

"Yeah, well, you can't do it without me, can you?" He says rubbing the back of his neck. 

"No, I suppose no-" 

"Right, I've got to go. Mum's picking me up." 

And with that he grabs his bag, pulls a face back at Jessica who's pulling a face at him and then leaves the hall. A few minutes later we leave too. 

"Who was that rude man?" Jessica asks as we climb into the car.

As Nan drives us home, I think over the last two hours. One moment, I'm stupidly happy, the next I'm filled with shame. It wasn't as terrifying as I thought it would be, but that was mainly because of Dan, who, as Nan says, 'is clearly a gentleman." 

There's one particular thing I can't stop thinking about, the shape of Dan's lips and the way his dimples show when he grins. There was just something so, well,  _right_ about how he looked. 

What's the matter with me? Do i suddenly have a weird lip fetish? When Louise asks me if I think some singer has a 'godly bod', I say yes to keep her happy. But Dan in that shirt.. I'd like to rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes and just cuddle him. Oh god. I blush at the thought and instead have to rest my burning cheek on the cold window. 

"Lulu says that tomorrow she's going to teach you the close hold," says Nan.

"Wait, what's that?" I ask in a faint voice. 

"Well, it's what the name suggests: a close hold. You rest your arm on your partner's shoulder and they put their hand on the small of your back. Then you hold hands, it looks a bit like a waltz, but it's much, much closer. Really, your whole bodies are touching from your chest down to your tights. You kinda just  _melt_ together." Nan says, grinning slightly. 

Oh. My. God. I'm going to die. 

I allow myself a secret, amazed smile. Out of the window, I watch houses flash past. Their orange windows glowing in the evening light, and I feel like I'm glowing. I glow from the magic of the past few hours and from knowing that tomorrow I will be melting in Daniel Howell's arms. 

-  

When I wake up, my glow has vanished and all I'm left with is a tummy-knotting fear. I'm certain that when Dan sees me on the bus, in the cold light of day, surrounded by his rugby mates, he'll be filled with horror. ' _I held hands with him?_ ' 

Getting dressed in the dark, trying not to wake Nan, I even consider telling Mum I;m ill. The thought of seeing him makes me so embarrassed that when I walk into the kitchen I'm already blushing. 

"Phil, red," Jessica states from her position on the sofa. She says it, sings it and when writes it in magnets on the fridge, in which Mum helped her with. 

-

When I get the bus, Louise isn't there and in panic(!) I sit next to Bus Boris. He's this teeny year even boy who is so desperate for friends he's frightened everyone off. Usually, he sits on his own.. but not today. He grins and I quickly grab my phone and ring Louise before he speaks to me. No answer.. This is so strange. How could Louise abandon me in my hour of need? 

When I got in last night, I texted her with the most amazing gossip of my life:

_'Hey K guess what? I'm entering comp with Dan Howell DAN HOWELL omgomgomgomgomg :-D Phil xx'_

But she didn't text or ring back screaming like I was expecting.

Yesterday, I didn't pay much attention because I was jive-high. Showing Mum films of Lulu and Ray on YouTube and getting Nan to do a demo with me.

In the end we were all dancing around the living room with Jessica yelling "Watch me chive! Watch me chive!"

I'm brought out of my jive-dream by Bus Boris tugging on my sleeve. 

"You're Philip, aren't you?" He says, I nod. "You look funny. What's wrong?" 

"I feel sick." 

Can I ask Bus Boris to look down the bus and see if Dan is there? I really need Louise and her little mirror. Where is she? The bus pulls at the stop before school and a load of year tens pile off. They push down the aisle and that's when I hear Dan talking to his mates. 

"Seriously," he says, "They taste good, try one." 

I start to panic(!). I must a[[ear occupied. In a moment of desperation I ask Bus Boris who his favorite teacher is. Just as she turns and gives me a confused look.

Dan is standing next to me, saying, "One for Phil," shoving a packet of sweets under my nose, "and don't let the name put you off." 

Obediently, I take the sweet and glance at the packet. I read 'Sick 'n' Mix'. 

"Carrot Chunk," I say as I stick the lurid orange sweet into my mouth.

He carries on down the bus, passing out his gross sweets and that's it. Mission accomplished. I spoke to Dan. He spoke to me! Admittedly, all I said was 'Carrot Chunk' but, hey it's a start. I sit there smiling, thinking, It's going to be alright..  _It's all going to be alright!_

_**Whack!** _

A bag smacks me on the back of my head and I fly forward, hitting my forehead on the seat in front of me. My hair is messed up more than it already was. Great. I look up and see Sharon standing there, holding up the queue.

Not taking her eyes off me she moves her face closer to mine and whispers, "Fag." 

Her breath is an old combination old cigarettes and mint. My stomach melts and the little kids around me gasp, getting ready for a fight, but Sharon pushes past everyone. Bus Boris tugs at my blazer. 

"You're dead, Phil." 

I know. It's only when i get off the bus I realise something amazing has happened. I didn't cry, Yes, the scariest person in the school called me a fag, but I didn't cry. 

-

As I walk into tutor time, I finally hear from Louise:

_'soz not on bus. Bton 4 hav dentist lol!!'_

Whenever Louise's mum wants to take her shopping in Brighton, she says Louise's got a dentist appointment. Louise has had 7 'dentists' appointments this year, and it's only March! Realising I'm friendless, I sit down next to Chris. 

"Hello, 'fag,'" He says, cheerfully.

I sigh, "news travels fast." 

"Pj's little brother was sitting behind you on the bus. What did you do?"

"Well, Sharon's not told me, but I guess it has something to do with me entering Starwars with Dan Howell." 

Chris' mouth drops open. "No. Way. Seriously? The hot Dan Howell? NO WAY!!" He slams his hand onto the desk and roars with laughter. "Peej!" 

He must of just walked in. "Get ready for the most bizarre news ever: our very own, little, lovely, shy Philip Lester is entering Starwars with... You're never going to believe this... Daniel James Hot Howell!" 

"No, that's mad." Pj says, "How come?" 

They both gather around me and I explain as quietly as I possibly can. Sharon has come in and is now staring at me coldly, but Chris and Peej keep asking questions and laughing and gasping and asking more questions and then more questions.

"Ahh! You're going to be jive partners. That's so cool," says Peej." 

"Also lets not forget that he is completely and utterly  _Beautimus Maximus,_ " adds Chris. "Did you see him when they did that rugby thing in assembly? he has seriously gorgeous-" 

"Shut up Chris," says Peej, clamping his hand over Chris' mouth. "You're embarrassing him also you shouldn't be talking about other boys like that, at least not whilst I'm here." 

And then I can't resist sharing my born-again jiveness with them. I go more and more into detail about the arm jive. As I'm explaining the best part about being with Dan, i make the mistake of glancing up and locking eyes with Sharon.

"Freak," she says, before turning back to her friends and whispering something that makes them all snigger. 

Suddenly, her phone vibrates. "It's him," she says as she studies her phone screen. 

Then looking at me, she smiles a cold, satisfied smile and my happiness dissolves. At that moment I realise two things:

1\. Someone must have told her about me and Dan and the likely candidate is Louise. 

2\. "him is totally and obviously Dan.

Sharon thinks she's in competition with me. This is ridiculous! For one I have no chance with Dan, as I am a man and so is he, and I'm pretty sure he likes the V and not the D. And just to clarify, Sharon is one of the most popular girls in the school and I'm me. An awkward boy that hardly anyone likes, I doubt he even likes me as a friend.. 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

I finally catch up to Louise in french. Appropriately, her nails have a very professional-looking french polish and I'm certain the shoes are new. 

"Ongles fabueux." She whispers.

Yep. I try to be cold, but that's difficult because Mr Tweed produces a fruit bowl from under his desk and starts throwing oranges around the class, instructing us to role-play fruit shopping with out partners. Louise is my partner, so I can't ignore her. She also keeps saying "Voulez-vous une pear?" and juggling to big imaginary boobs. She does this continuously until I start to laugh.

After an awkward pause, I relent and ask how 'The dancing laddies' dance is coming along. She describes every detail of her hip-swivels and sassy hit bumps, then moves on to tell me about how great and friendly Sharon is, not evil like I think at all, just fun and ordinary. 

"So," she finally says, "You and Dan Howell?" 

"You got my text?" 

"Only this morning. I had my phone off last night and, oh sorry about the bus. Mum just had to get to the french connection sale and wanted an opinion on some harem pants," she babbled nervously, not making total sense.

"My opinion was: totally puke, but I said they were awesome so she'd buy me new shoes. Anyways.. you and Dan, how did that happen?" 

I explain my Nan's plan and my surprise at the dance class. 

Finally, I have the chance to ask, "Did you hear what Sharon said on the bus?" She nods. 

"Did you tell her about me and Dan?" Louise does her silly-old-me face that gets her out of most situations. 

"I just didn't think it was a big deal, Phil. I was chatting on the phone about who was entering and it kinda slipped out." 

I thought she'd turned her phone off? She had time to talk to Sharon about Starwars, but couldn't reply to my text? I feel slightly sick..

"Phil," says Louise, "as your best friend, I've got to say I don't really think you should dance with Dan." 

"Why not?" 

"He's practically Sharon's boyfriend and she's mad at you. And you know, she likes getting her own way." Louise smiles as though everything's the same as usual and we're just gossiping what kind of person Sharon turned into.

"Are they going out?" I ask, putting as much causal nonchalance into my voice as I can. 

"Practically. She's taking it slow, doesn't want to rush things."

My heart sinks. Wait, why am I feeling like this? It's not like I had a chance with him anyway.

"When's your next rehearsal?" 

Looking down at my orange, I try to accept what Louise just told me. "We're meeting straight after school." 

"Right, you see, Sharon just told me she got a text from Dan and he wants to meet her after school. Thought you should know. I don't want you to feel bad when he doesn't turn up." She squeezes my arm. "Maybe he's not as great as we all thought he was." 

And then Mr Tweed starts to ask us questions about the colour of cars and I realise I may not have been concentrating 100% on the lesson. 

-

Throughout the rest of the day, I get little comments and cold stares from Sharon and her gang. I do my best to avoid her, walking elaborate routes to lessons and hiding in the library at lunchtime. At the end of the day, when I'm stuffing some books into my locker, I look up to discover her leaning against the lockers watching me. She's alone for once.

"I'm meeting my boyfriend here. Have you come to watch?" She moves closer as I shut my locker. "I said, have you come to watch?" 

I try to step around her, but she keeps blocking my path until I'm doing this pathetic dance. On either side of us, students stand and stare. She suddenly stops moving and I squeeze past. Fighting the urge to run, I walk down the corridor and above the sound of slamming lockers and cries of 'bye' I can still hear her laugh. 

The sound follows me as I rush down the stairs, out of the school. Nan's waiting in the car as instructed. 

"Looking forward to the lesson, love?" she asks as I put my seat belt on. 

And that's all it takes, just one person being nice to me. "Quick, Nan, drive," I whisper between sobs. 

"Shush up!" yells Jessica from the back seat. "Noisy boy!" And she throws her Shrek doll at me. 

He repeats 'Better out than in!' and only stops when I slam him again and again on the dashboard of the car. Now Jessica is screaming too.

-

When we're a couple of roads away from school, I sit up whilst wiping tears from my eyes, explain that there's no point in going to the dance lesson because Dan isn't going to be there. He's going to be kissing his horrible girlfriend with no eyebrows and 'massive' tits. 

"Come on, dear. What if all of them mean girls are lying? and he arrives seeing you're not there? Look, we're here now so we might as well just go in," says Nan. 

I'm too fed up and too tired to argue, I get lured into the jive studio for the second day in a row. In the toilets, I wash my face and splash water on my eyes. I check my appearance in the mirror. Well, I look normal and you can't tell I've been crying, which is good. I'm wearing my favourite black jeans and my My Chemical Romance shirt that my dad got me for my birthday. Taking a deep breath, I push the door open. 

No Dan, of course no Dan. What was I expecting? 

Lulu sees me hovering around the door and calls me in, "Come on. He's just late. We'll start without him." Nan catches my eye and smiles.

"Now we're going to start with the close hold, Lulu show Phil where to put his hands." Ray instructs, "sorry about this Phil, but we're gonna have to get you really close to Dan for this dance to work, I hope you don't mind." 

Of course I don't mind, I kinda love this. I think, obviously not saying my thoughts out loud. And with that she clutches me to her entire right-hand side so we are touching from shoulder to hop. Squeezed up against her chest, I can smell the lovely smell of her perfume and I can feel the warmth of her body. 

"I sort of control the dance with my hand that I place on the small of your back. Do you see?"

She shows me how to steer from left to right with the pressure of her hand. Ray puts on some music and after a couple more instructions we're off dancing. My worries slip from my mind as Lulu leads me.

It's easy to respond to the signals of her hands. She's an incredible dancer and soon I feel like I'm in a black and white movie. I raise my chin and I feel shy Phil disappearing, Then the dance is ending and Lulu spins me round, fast.

"You're a natural, Phil," she says. "No try it with Dan." 

And that's when I realise he's sitting up on the stage watching me. 

We stand opposite each other and assume the close hold, oh god, I don't feel like a film star anymore. I feel like a big doofus that smells of raspberries and is starting to get a boner. But like yesterday, Dan is serious and business like, following Lulus and Rays instructions with care. I try not to enjoy myself. Try really hard. 

I keep reminding myself that Dan was late because he was enjoying an even closer hold with Sharon. And suddenly my half boner is gone with just the thought of Sharon, wow. We're in the middle of our dance when Lulu turns off the music. We freeze in position. 

"It's not right," she grins. "You just aren't getting close enough. Dan imagine that you're glued to Phil and you have to dance as one person." 

Dan starts to blush in the face, which is obviously out of embarrassment. Yes, we're close, very close, ultra close. But there's still about 10cms between us. We shuffle closer. Now there's only 5. 

"Oooo, come on!" Says Lulu, putting her hands on our hips and pushing us together so that our crotches touch. I'm dying inside. Now my burning face is brushing against Dans Fall Out Boy shirt. I look up to see him blushing just as much as I am. This is torture to the poor boy.  

"Hello," he whispers. "Nice shirt, Mcr are one of the best." 

"You like them?" No one I'm friends with does. 

"Like them? I'm almost wearing Gerard Way's face." 

I laugh, "I mean the band and their music."

"I know, hey I'm sorry I was late I wa-" 

"It's okay," I cut in. I don't want to hear him say her name and ruin this moment for me.

Dan leads the dance on again once the music started up again. The feel of his shoulder under my hand is the best thing, unless you count his dic- Phil stop he is a straight male with a girlfriend, you can't think about how much you love his dick against you. Wait no I don't love it. I don't love the feeling of my hand on his shoulder, I don't love the feeling of him holding me close to his chest. I don't love Daniel James Howell. Okay maybe a little.. 

My heart is pounding fast at this point and I'm honestly worried I'm going to have a heart attack. The music stops and we stay close for a few seconds before realising and pulling apart awkwardly. I turn to Lulu for out next instructions, knowing that if I look up at Dan he'll see right through my blushing cheeks and know what I'm thinking. 

"Brilliant, you two!" Lulu's thrilled. 

Slowly, my heart returns to its normal speed.

"Right, I've got an idea to get you ready for the audition. Every Saturday, Ray and I host a jive night in Brighton. We've got a live band this weekend and if you come along you'll see some amazing dancing. What do you think? Are you busy? I know Dan isn't, he doesn't have a life, but what about you Phil?" She looks at me awaiting an answer. 

Honestly? I am kinda busy. I'm the youngest member, by about sixty years, of the Silver Stitches, Nan's knitting club. On saturday evenings we watch X-factor.. but I think that Silver Stitches can go one night without me. 

"If I rearrange something, I can make it." I say. 

"Cool," Dan says. "I'm definitely not busy." Interesting.. 

"I'll pick you up at six and Daniel-" Lulu gives him a look. "-do not be late!" 

After Dan has left, I walk to the car. I notice that the sky is that magic in between time when there's still a glimmer of sunlight left. Pushing aside all the questions in my mind, I enjoy the twilight. Who cares what happens at school tomorrow? Right now, I have a staring role in my life.. and I love it. 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Bullying and hair

On wednesday, I find chips in my maths book, thursday I get tripped up in the canteen and friday beings with a condom stuck to my locker.

At first, I think this is some obscure message from 'The dancing catchers', but on closer examination I see someone has written 'Phil Lester sucks cock' next to it. Probably not Chris, since he doesn't know that I'm gay. I peel it off and stuff it into the nearest bin. 

For the rest of the day, I try to sick close to Chris but at lunchtime I manage to get pasta flicked at me from an upstairs window. For this, I get a rare text from Louise:

_'awe Phil, big hugs saw pasta in hair :( if I talk 2 u S says no dancing laddies xxx'_

I ignore the text and go to the toilets to wash out the tomato and basil sauce. While I'm in there, I go int a cubicle and I'm about to undo my trousers when a fist slams hard into the door, followed by a kick. Next, the cubicle's being smacked on all sides. I shut the toilet seat and seat on it waiting for the banging to stop. 

Silence. 

I hold my breath, waiting to see if they're gone. Laughter bursts out above my head and I look up to see a hand holding a phone over the top of the cubicle then a click. I feel sick and I actually begin to tremble.

"Leave my sisters boyfriend alone, fag," says an unfamiliar voice. I'm guessing that was Sharon's brother. Then the door slams once more and they're gone. 

-

I'm still shaking when I find Chris in our tutor room. 

"Seriously, Phil, you've got to do something," he says after I explain how close I cam to being humiliated on every social media I own. Which is a lot. "Sharon won't stop until you make her stop." 

"She'll leave me alone the second I stop dancing with Dan." I start to scribble a lion on the back of my hand.

"Will you do that?" 

"No."

"Well... remember what my mum taught us?" I shake my head in response. 

"One: Put your hand up and say, 'Stop it. I do not like it.' Have you tried that?" 

"Really Chris?" I chuckle, "She'd bite my hand off." 

"That's possible.. Two: Tell a teacher?" 

"No, she thrives on a challenge. That will just make her think of more evil things to do, but stuff that no one can pin on her." 

Chris has started to add a flower crown to my lion drawing. "Looks like it's number three then.." 

"What's that?" I ask, finally looking up from my hand to face Chris.

"Karate chop her in the face or call her something really offensive." 

"I don't remember your mum saying that one." 

"It's the most fun, I can't see you karate chopping Sharon so you need to say something rude, anything really just so she knows you're not scared."

"But I am scared! It'll never work." 

"I know, but it's like acting. You start by pretending then it sort of takes over and becomes true. Let's practice. I'm Sharon, you're Phil." Chris piles as much hair as he can on his head, sucks in his cheeks and scowls but I just laugh. 

"Okay, I'm doing this for real this time. Ready?" I nod. "Look, you weirdo freak, just leave Daniel Howell alone. He's my man muffin and you know it!!" 

"I do, I do. I'm so sorry!" I hide behind my book.

"No! Try again.." 

"Right." I take a deep breath. "Don't you ever tell me what to do again you.. you.. spork!" 

Chris collapses, "Yes, she is a spork but you aren't fighting a toddler. If you were to say that to her, please make sure I'm around to watch and film it. It'll be funny." But, of course, I don't say or do anything. Instead, I just keep my head down and try to avoid the bitch-ass spork and dream of saturday night.. a whole night spent dancing in the arms of Daniel Howell. The idea is bliss, even if a nagging voice at the back of my head keeps saying,  _But why would he ever want to spend his saturday night with you?"_

-

"They'll be here in about two hours to pick you up Philip!" Nan says, peering round the curtains. 

"We got you something!" Jessica hands me a regular box sized box. I peel away the poorly wrapped tissue paper and see.. hair dye?

"Do you like the colour? I let Jessica pick." 

"Like the colour? I love the colour! I've always wanted to dye my hair, I just didn't know what colour. Jet black is a good start. Can we do it now?" I ask excitedly.

"Of course me can, love." Nan says clapping her hands.

-hair dying happens-

"Oh, you look amazing Philip, don't you think Jessica?" 

"Yes! Yes, Nan!!" 

"Thanks Nan, thanks Jessica. I just hope everyone else thin-" I was cut off by the door bell ringing. 

I kiss Jessica goodnight and head down our garden path, slipping into the back off Lulu's car.

"Nice hair," Dan says as we pull away from the kerb. I can finally relax into my seat as I run my hands over the white leather.

"Isn't she beautiful?" Asks Lulu, "You're sitting in a hot pink Chevrolet Bel air and one of five in the country." 

I notice smiling to herself in the front, and Dan roll his eyes. I giggle, this must be fun for him. 

"This is the best thing I've ever sat on," I say, wriggling in my seat. "Apart from maybe Darth Vader's lap.. that was good, but he was scary."

_"The_ Darth Vader? Did you and Darth Vader have some secret love affair.. I'm jealous.." Dan mumbles the last bit so I didn't catch exactly what he said. All well.. 

"I was eight! There was no love affair!" I say, as if that explains it all, and then shut up because I suddenly realise that heading off to a night with Daniel Howell is way more scarier than sitting on Darth Vader's lap. 

We drive though the deserted high street, across the rivers and arrive in Brighton as the sun is setting. Lulu's car continues to draw stares as we head along the seafront, pulling up outside a shabby cream building, I realised We've arrived. 

I follow Lulu, Ray and Dan through the dark lobby and into a dance hall. I look around, trying to take in the high ceiling and elegant white pillars that line the gleaming dance floor. 

"Come on Philip," says Lulu, heading towards the stage. "You've got some work to do."

We put out three hundred chairs and arrange tea lights on each table. Dan drifts off to help the DJ Crazy Ray, aka Ray, with the sound equipment. Finally, after Lulu and I have lit the candles, the hall is ready. Before they go off to get changed, Ray puts on some music and Lulu turns odd the main lights. Then Dan and I are alone.. 

I sit at the side of the room, struggling to arrange my face and body into a relaxed pose to hide the fact that shy Phil has totally taken over. Meanwhile, Dan is on the stage fiddling with the lighting. This is stupid, I stand up. After moments of hesitation, I force myself to join Dan on the stage.

"What are you doing?" I ask, oh so casually. 

"I can't get those red lights to work." Dan absent-mindedly points to the ceiling. "Those ones up there." 

"That's because of this," I say, pulling out a yellow cable, "needs to be here," and I push the lead into the top power strip. The red lights come on and circle the room.

Dan looks at me properly for the first time that evening as the track that was playing changes to 'Heavens gate' by Fall Out Boy.

"I love this song," says Dan, turning up the volume then he turns to me. "Do you want to dance? I ur.. mean to practice?" 

"Okay," I say. 

Dan jumps off the stage and I follow, but he puts his hands up to me and I jump straight into his arms. Okay, I'm about to have a heart attack. When I land, he swings me into a dance. As the hall is empty, we use the whole dance floor. It starts off a lazy dance and as the light swoops across our faces, I start to relax.

I get a glance of Lulu and Ray standing behind the main door watching us and giggling but at that moment I don't care, it's just nice to be dancing on our own with no one constructing us. The music suddenly speeds up and so do we, even though we make quite a lot of mistakes, it feels like real dancing. Soon we're dancing faster than ever and it becomes almost impossible to keep up with each other. 

The more we get wrong the funnier it gets. Spinning around Dan's back, I miss his hand and go flying across the hall. As I make my way back towards him, he starts to badly brake dance soon after Lulu and Ray decide to make their faces. 

-

An hour later, the hall is full and a sea of dancers takes up the entire dance floor. Some of the men are dressed in tailored trousers, braces and shirts, others in rolled up jeans and T-shirts. The women are wearing exquisite tea dresses, pedal pushers and full skirts in a rainbow of colours. 

Dan and I stand up at the top of a set of stairs, like swimmers too scared to take the plunge, watching the colour and movement that surrounds us. Finally, he grabs my hand and pulls me down the steps. I love it, I don't care what anyone thinks anymore because I just love ~~him~~ it. 

We dance all night, stopping occasionally for water, and by the end of the evening we're exhausted, dripping with sweat and limping. Luckily, Nan make me bring some plasters and I've used 4 by the time Ray puts on the final track. It's slow. The mood changes completely as all around us couples press together, heads resting on shoulders, hands slipping down backs. 

"I need some fresh air," Dan states. "Coming Philip?" 

We sat on a wall outside of the hall, getting our breath back, and watch as people leave, hair slipping out of ponytails, shirts coming untucked. The night air is icy and crisp on my hot skin and between buildings, I can see a low moon reflecting on the black seat.

"This is the most fun, I've ever had," I say not caring how tragic I sound. I glance at Dan. He's got his phone out.

"Just checking the time," he says, then there's an awkward silence. Why is he here with me, on a saturday night?"

"Do you really want to do this?" I blurt out. "I mean, enter the dance competition with me? Did Lulu make you do this?"

"Do you think I'd try to get on national Tv to help my sister out?" He says. "Plus, she's not even my real sister. She's only half-sister, not that, that matters." 

"So do you want to do this? You're not embarrassed or anything?" 

"Embarrassed? By what?" He puts his phone away. 

"Dancing with me? The now known gay of the school?"

"No, anyways I'm bi, so I don't mind, and if anyone has a problem with us dancing together then they're horrible."

"Well... I didn't know that, but I guess as long as no one laughs at you it'll be fine." 

Then, a horrible thought hits me. Could he be doing this to be funny? To make his friends laugh? To give Sharon more reasons to bully me? My checks begin to burn. Dan looks over.

"I'm doing this because I want to. I don't think it's a 'sad' dance and I don't care if anyone else does." He sighs and takes a deep breath."I'll let you in on a little secret. I want to be an actor and singer, starring in musicals in the west end.. I'm a bit embarrassed about that," He adds with a laugh.

After about another half an hour of chatting about are dreams, laughing and helping Lulu and Ray, it's time to go home.

-

I let myself into my house and everyone is asleep. Mum knew I was going to be late. I can't go to bed because my ears are still ringing from the music and my mind is buzzing. I make a  Hot Chocolate, open a packet of Hobnobs and start to re-watch season five of 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer'. I get to season six episode twenty seven and realize it's half two in the morning. I quietly walk up the stairs to my room, I slowly open the door and slip into the air bed. It squeaks and Nan rolls over.

  
 I curl up into a ball and smile to myself. I'm not going to think about Starwars, or the fact my dancing with Dan could end next Thursday. Tonight, I'm floating on air..  on an air bed..  with blisters all over my feet.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Auditions

 

On monday, I get a nasty surprise on the bus, opening a text from an unknown number, I read:

_'u r a dog :D'_

My heart sinks. Sharon is creeping into every corner of my life. Who gave her my number? Would Louise do that? 

"That's cyber-bullying," says a little voice next to me, when I look I see Bus Boris staring at me with big eyes. I usually sit next to him these days.

"Do you know what I should do?" 

He nods, "Send a message back saying 'I'm going to mess up your face!"

I'm fairly curtain this isn't very good advice so I decide to ignore it. Messages creep in throughout the day:

_'U ugly gay boy :)'_

_'u loser'_

_'I h8 u fag :D'_

_'die u fat fag ;)'_

I get the last one as I'm walking to rehearsal, I feel a small bit of satisfaction as I walk into the jive studio. The one thing Sharon wants me to do is stop dancing with Dan but whoops, look where I am now. I push open the doors to find Dan and Lulu practising a move, watching them wipes my mind clear of Sharons texts.

"Get over here, Phil!" Lulu shouts the moment they finish. "I've got just three rehearsals to teach you the routine I've choreographed. It's simple, that means you can learn it fast.

I sit down next to Dan and watch Lulu and Ray step through the dance.

"It builds up to a move I like to call, The final finish," Lulu calls over her shoulder. "Here it comes!"

She leans back into Rays open arms and he flips her over into a somersault. She lands with a light bounce, making it look so easy.

"Right, we'll talk you through it, simple." 

It's not. Each time we try, I smash back the way I came and it just gets worse and worse. I start to think I'm too 'big and manly' to fly over Dan's shoulder like Lulu did with Ray. As soon as this enters my head, it becomes even harder. 

"Sorry," I say each time, Dan just shrugs.

"We'll forget it for now," says Lulu, after I've tumbled to the ground for the seventh time. "I was probably being over-ambitious. If you get through on thursday we can add it to the routine." 

- 

As I leave the hall, body aching, my phone bleeps. Message from an unknown number:

_'u r a fat rat :D'_

Now all of me aches. I glance around me, the road is empty expect for a few parked cars and a van. I notice a coke can rolling down the road, clattering against the kerb. 

"Hey!" I jump and turn around, Lulu must've followed me out of the hall. "You okay?" She asks. 

"Yeah, just-" I glance down at my phone that I've clutched tight in my hand- "Checking my messages."

"I'm glad I caught you. I forgot to tell you, that I know what's happening between you and my brother." 

"What.. I don't understand what you're saying.. nothing's happening?" I stutter, trying to sound dumb. Even though nothing really is happening.

"I know you like him Phil, you not very good at hiding it."

"Just don't tell anyone okay? Not Dan, not Ray, not even your dog!" 

"Okay, okay I get the point," she giggles, "I'm sure he likes you back though so I wouldn't worry about it."

"He has a girlfriend, Lulu." I sigh. 

"Has he told you that?" 

"No bu-" 

"Anyways I better go," she cuts me off. "Ray promised me dinner, see you thursday?" 

"Of course!" I say whilst waving to her as she walks down the road. As I walk home the word 'audition' echoes round my mind. Is it actually going to happen? ' _Beep Beep.'_

"Oh shut up," I say shoving my phone back into my bag.

-

On thursday, the Dancing ladies are so busy rehearsing and perfecting their look, Sharon seems to give me the day off as I get no texts. School seems to last forever but as soon as I'm out of maths, I go home and jump in the shower.

I'm towel drying my hair when Jessica drags Lulu into my room. I'm so pleased to see Jessica is wearing her favourite outfit of  _nothing at all._ Oh, except for one sock and a crown. She likes to accessorise her nudity. 

Lulu throws me black tight jeans and my favorite sonic shirt. "Hurry get dressed into these," she says quickly. "Phil? How much do you trust me?" 

"Well.. lot's I suppose.. why?" 

"I want to cut your hair."  We leave in less than half an hour for the audition and, as far as I know, Lulu isn't a hairdresser. "Don't worry, I've cut my friends' hair lots of times.. well, a few times. I don't want to do anything complicated, just take off a few inches and shorten the sides." 

I'm about to say that cutting my hair is just one scary thing too many to happen today, but then I think,  _why not?_ I'm planning on dancing in public with Daniel Howell.. will a few inches of my hair really affect any of that?

"Okay, you can do it!" Lulu grins and whips out a pair of scissors. "You've been planning this haven't you?" I ask. 

"I've been dying to cut your hair since the day I met you," she says." You don't know how many people would love this hairstyle I'm gonna give you," and with that she grabs the scissors and starts cutting my hair.

 

Nan, who's been sitting on my bed, groans and stands up to leave the room. "I'm sorry Lulu, you probably know what you're doing but I just can't watch." 

With that she leaves the room, leaving me and my black hair to be tormented by my self-taught hairdresser alone. 

- 

Later that night, in Brighton, we cruise along the seafront. My newly cut black hair shining due to the flashing, mini vagas like lights. I see the queue before I see the actual Brighton centre, where the auditions are taking place. Hundreds of dancers crowd the pavement. There are dads glancing at watches, mums touching up make-up and a few coaches in dance studio sweatshirts. 

"Lulu.. I feel sick." 

"I know," she pats my arm. "Just remember to relax your shoulders.. oh and when Dan spins you behind his back remember to pause for a beat." 

She slows the car down as we drive past the queue, groups of people are practising their routines below posters. Then I spot the cameras. I didn't realise they would be filming the auditions! But there are about three camera crews wandering up and down the street, making girls scream and strike poses. I suddenly, I spot the Dancing catchers. 

"Here's fine, Lulu." Dan will just have to come find me..

"Good luck!" She calls as I jump out of the car. Immediately, two cameras swing in our direction then follow the Chevrolet's progress down the road. Lulu's slim pale arm reaches out of the driver's window and waves as she does a dramatic U-turn and swings out of sight. 

But Chris and Pj aren't watching Lulu, they're watching me. I soon remember my hair. I put my hand up to touch it and it's still black and short, the same as it was when we left about forty minutes ago.

"Phil?" Chris says, finally breaking the silence. "You look  _totally_ different." 

Lulu can't have gone that far, I want to race down the road and jump in her car and shout 'Take me home!' Soon, I could be curled up on the sofa with my sister and Nan watching The Simpsons.

"Different?" I say, "Different terrible or different good?" 

"Good!" He says, "You look hot! I'd almost forgotten about your ginger hair." We all start laughing and soon after continue to talk about my new look.

Until Peej pulls a face and says, "Watch out." 

Coming up towards us is Sharon, Louise, Holly and Laura. They're all wearing arse hugging denim cut off shorts, tights and a skimpy vest with the Dancing ladies stencilled across it. Their hair is big and their make-up is heavy. Thick bright pink lips and false eyelashes that defy gravity. I'm suddenly relieved that I was the 'wrong shape' to be apart of the Dancing ladies.

They stop in front of us and I wait for the inevitable comment about how I look, but no one says anything. In fact, they're not even looking at me, but staring at Chris and Pj.

I've been so wrapped up in my own arse that I haven't really looked at them. Like the Dancing ladies, they're wearing vests, but theirs have the Dancing catchers printed across. Also, they're wearing baggy running shorts but they aren't showing their tummies. Instead, they're revealing enormous hip-hugging boxers that they've pulled up and tucked into their vests.

They both stare at each other. 

"What the fuck are you meant to look like?" asks Sharon.

"You," replies Chris, laughing. 

The Dancing catchers look like a wrapped up male mirror image of the Dancing ladies. I suppose it;s the worse thing to do in the world right now, but I can't help myself. I laugh, loudly. Quickly, I clap my hand over my mouth. 

Sharon twists round and does a double take, her fake eyelashes batting wildly. "Oh it's just you, rat." She says. 

There's silence. Sharon, for once in her life is lost for words. Then she gets a grip, sucks in a sharp breath like a snake preparing to kill something, and opens her mouth. I tense, but her furious face malts into a huge smile.

"Hiya, baby," She says, standing a little taller. "We were just admiring the ra-  I mean Phil's look." She nods in my direction. 

Dan looks at me and I mean properly looks at me, from my toes to my hair and he smiles, but doesn't say anything. I feel myself blushing and fight the temptation to hide behind Chris.

"My sister did it," he says, now Sharon can't any anything. 

"Let's go girls," she finally manages. "We're actually further up the queue, Danny, come find us?" As they leave, she gives him the sweetest smile. I think I'm gonna be sick. 

-

The queue starts to shuffle forward and eventually Dan and I are handed a number and sent to a large room with black glittery walls. The Dancing catchers disappear through another door, I guess to the audition room or something. In the gloom of the room, I immediately notice the Dancing ladies sitting on the floor along with other dancers. Sharon isn't looking but Louise manages to smile and mouth 'love it,' tugging at her hair.

"Listen up!" A young man, dressed in a slim fitting black shirt and dark jeans, is standing in the stage area. "I'm Patrick, a producer on Starwars and I'll be one of your judges tonight along with Pete over there." 

He gestures to another man with dark short hair standing in the shadows. "You've all got a number and will be up in order. You will get five minutes, maybe less - depends if we like you. Don't worry, we can tell who's got potential in that time. So no hysterics, if we stop your music and as you to leave." 

He pauses to allow his words to sink in. "Good luck, everyone! Group one.. Jimbros? You're up first." 

A group of girls stumble to their feet, head over their music and take their position. They dance for less than two minutes before Patrick shouts out, "Thank you! Exit to the left, please. Group two, up you come." 

It's so quick. I can't believe all our hard work could be over in a matter of minutes. 

Group two is actually a boy dancing alone to Michael Jackson's 'Thriller.' He's good and funny, he dances with confidence. When he's finished - he's allowed to do the whole dance - we get to clap. Patrick and Pete confer for a moment. 

"Thank you!" Called out Pete, "take a seat." So that's how it works. If you're through, you sit down but if they don't want you, you leave immediately. 

They fly through the dancers and it isn't long before the Dancing ladies, group 14, are up. I actually feel nervous for them. As Chris predicted, they're using the track 'G.U.Y' by Lady Ga Ga. They begin by barely moving, just shrugging their shoulders then they introduce a new move every few seconds. It was tight, well rehearsed and subtle. 

They get a huge applause and I'm not surprised when they're told to sit down. Sharon is grinning, but not in a mean way like she normally does, instead her whole face is beaming. Then as if Sharon can read my thoughts, in the darkness of the room her smile vanishes. Soon group 16 is preforming, only three groups have been told to stay behind so far. 

I jump when Dan leans across to me and whispers, "You can do the Final finish." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Tonight, in a minute. I'm going to lead you into the move. You can do it!" 

"No way. Seriously, Dan. That's crazy, we can't even-" But before I get a chance to finish.. 

"Thank you, group sixteen," says Patrick, scratching his chin slowly. "Clearly going for the sympathy vote. Exit on the left, please. Group seventeen up you come!" 

Oh my god that's us. Dan jumps to his feet and I follow, telling myself over and over to relax, smile and put my shoulders back. 

Having sorted out the music, Dan joins me at the centre of the stage, puts his arm around me and we stand in a close hold. 'Don't get hard, don't get hard, don't get hard' I tell myself. Dammit, why did Lulu decide that we should start almost as if we're frozen. 

The room falls silent around us. We look at each other, then move even closer. 'Do NOT get hard Phil.' I tell myself once more. Our bodies lock and I can feel both of our hearts beating. 

Then our music kicks in and I feel the familiar surge that I always get when I hear the opening drums.. I count down the remaining beats in my head, three, two, one.. and then we're off. 

I know we're dancing well, we're quicker than ever and totally in tune with each other. I can feel out confidence and I guess so can the audience. Dan is focused and every on of our turns and spins is fast and smooth. As we come to the end of our dance, we haven't missed a step. 

Dan swings me to face him.. This isn't in the routine! He looks at me, raises his eyebrows as a warning, then pushes me away. I have no choice but to go for it, if i don't our dance will end with us in a heap on the floor.

Dan pulls me back across his arm and his hand catches my lower back, pushing my legs up. I try to flip over as Dan lifts me higher and higher. The room rushes past but not fast enough. I can't make it. If I stop mid-air Dan will drop me. In panic(!), I squeeze his shoulder desperately trying to communicate this. Then I'm falling back the way I came and landing heavily on my feet. I stumble back but Dan whips me up and spins me twice to finish the dance. 

The music stops and the room is silent. My cheeks are burning, I couldn't do it. I ruined the dance. I've ruined everything. But I'm angry. Dan and I weren't partners then - he was doing his dance and I got in the way. 

His fingers loosen from mine but our hands don't fall apart like I expected. Then there is a clap, followed by another and another and another. We look at the judges because it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. The applause dies away, they talk for a second and Pete makes some notes. 

"Thank you," he says frowning slightly. He hesitates for a second then gives us a nod, "Sit down. Group eighteen." 

Relief floods through me and my heart pounds as we stumble through the remaining dancers.

"Why did you do that?" I whisper as soon as we're sitting down. "I looked like a fucking idiot!" 

"Don't talk about it, please. It was stupid." He's staring at the floor, then he looks up with a look of amazement on his face. "But we did it, Phil! Can you believe it?" 

"Not really, I still think I'm dreaming." He pinches my arm and smiles. "Okay well I'm definitely not dreaming" I giggle. 

Soon enough, Sharon is leaning over Dan and soon their heads are together and she's whispering and smiling. Are they talking about me? I turn away. I'm not going to let Sharon or my stupid, hopeless gay crush on Dan ruin the fact that we have got through the auditions. Dan and me. We did it together. 

"Watch Starwars on saturday!" Says Pete when all the groups have auditioned and there is a handful of us left in the black room. "It's footage from the auditions all over the country and you may be on there! The next episodes will show the round of the semi-finals but the finals will be live." 

-

We walk out of Brighton centre together and I get a text from Chris saying they left over an hour ago. Great. I may be walking with Dan and Louise, two of my favourite people in the world, but just being here near Sharon makes me slip into the background. 

When we get to the seafront, she turns towards town but Dan hangs back. "Are you coming to KFC with us?" he asks. Sharon rolls her eyes. "You can get the train back with us as well." 

I can't let Dan see me upset about being blocked out by Sharon any longer. "Thanks," I say. "But I'll head off now." 

"Come on, Phil." He says, "Don't worry.. It's nicer than it sounds." 

"I can't. See you tomorrow?" 

Dan looks upset but shrugs and we say our goodbyes. Louise goes with them, giving me the tiniest wave with her fingers. I stand alone on the pavement. Mum wouldn't of cared if I'd got back an hour later, but what can I do?

My eyes sting as all the magic of the evening falls away from me and I see Sharon slip her arm through Dan's. A sick feeling stirs in my stomach, however it slowly disappears when I see Dan remove her hand and turn back to face me. And suddenly he's running towards me. 

"Did you really think I'd just leave you Philip?" He asks, laughing. 

I just smile and grab his arm walking towards the train station. He doesn't pull back. As we walk to the station, street lights blink on, one after another. The storm clouds in the sky hide the glimpses of dark blue but they can't seem to hide the massive grin on my face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phil's hair before it was cut was like his hair in 2009 and now after it;s been cut, it's what he has now.


	9. Party time

 

In tutor time, Chris' wearing his Dancing catchers vest and for some reason a pair of spongebob sunglasses, oh and a fabulous peppa pig hat. I'm not judging. 

"Can you believe it, Phil? We didn't get through!" 

"Take it off, Chris," says Mr Slims. He does but 'accidentally' gets the vest suck on his head, where he leaves it piled up like a turban. 

"How about you and Danny boy?" he asks. "The weird situation has just got a whole lot weirder. You're going to be on Tv dancing jive with Dan  _the lushness_ Howell."

"Don't call him that Chris," I say.

Is there such thing as a good weird? I come to the conclusion there is as I watch Chris take a sip of hot coffee from a mug he's hidden in his bag. The mug has 'teaching legend' printed  below Mr Slims face. 

"Biscuit?" He asks, pushing a packet of bourbons towards me.

I take half a broken biscuit and look around for Sharon. She's not here yet, thank god. She's definitely not going to be giving up on the whole 'destroy Phil's life' thing now that she's seen Dan choose me over her in Brighton. Apparently, I am a threat. 

In French, she just confirms this. Sharon and Laura have got to lesson early and when I go in they're flirting with Mr Tweed at the front of the room. Laura's writing on the whiteboard, studd like 'Our <3 French' and 'Mr Tweed est la bomebe!" to distract him from Sharon's art. 

Now, although I hate to admit it, Sharon is a good drawer. Which is why what she is doing is so effective. She's drawing a pig wearing tight black jeans and a adventure time hoodie. Next she carefully adds thick black glasses and jet black hair. The pig is me. 

Everyone who walks in can tell straight away or is being told by Holly. Chris wander in, looks at the drawing and gives me a questioning look. I shrug, what can I do? If I put my hand up and say, 'Mr Tweed that big fat pig Sharon is drawing is supposed to be me,' that will just confirms what everybody suspects.

Plus, surely he'll wipe it off when the lesson starts? Nope. We're watching a film about french market then working from textbooks, so I have to look at it for the whole lesson. Before we leave the room at the end of the lesson, Chris asks if he can clean the whiteboard. Mr Tweed lets him, finally glancing up at what has been staring at his class in the face for the past hour.

"You've got to say or at least do something," says Chris, catching up with me outside of the room. "The second you saw that drawing you should have gone up to the front and wiped it off. Or even better, drawn a picture of her with shit on her head.. and a speech bubble saying 'I'm Sharon and I'm shit!' anything would've been better that just sitting there and taking it."

"I don't want to make things worse, Chris." 

"But you're not doing anything and things are getting worse. You, Philip Michael Lester, need to grow some balls. Big ones!" Now I'm just laughing. In fact, I'm laughing so much I don't notice Dan coming up behind us.

"Hey," he says, looking bemused. "My mum's away this weekend so I'm having a party at my place on saturday." He pauses for a second, blushing, before adding, "Tell Pj. See you both there?" And then he's gone again.

 "Well," says Chris. "That was very brief. Dan's not usually all shy like that. Hm, strange... anyway who cares we're going to that party."

He pauses before shouting, "We're going to a party!" in some year sevens face. He even manages to get a high five out of the poor kid.

"I don't know, Chris.. Sharon will be there and she'll make me feel-" 

Chris cuts in, "No excuses, Philip. Where are your big balls? Come with me and Peej and we on't leave you alone for a second. How often do we get invited to parties?" 

"Okay, okay."  So that's it. I'm going to a party at Dan's house. But what if he really doesn't want to invite me, but had to because I was standing next to Chris? 

I must look worried or something because Chris grabs my arm and says, "Do not even think about trying to get our of this. I want you round my house at seven.. No excuses!" 

- 

"Little Philip Lester!" Chris' dad shouts when I arrive at his house on a saturday. "I've miss you - You used to stay round here every week!" 

"Is my toothbrush still in your bathroom?" I ask. It really is great to see him.

"Of course, there will always be a toothbrush for you here." He rushes me in. "Just follow the noise and you'll find Chris, he's going through a Alice Cooper stage again." 

I'm so tempted to say that its not a stage, it really never ends but I decide that Chris' dad can find that out himself. I follow the music through the house and up the stairs, I knock on the door it leads me to.

"Phil get in and shut the door," Chris shouts. He's standing on his bed in his boxers singing along to 'Poison.' "Tonight we become PROPER men!" he adds a wink at the end of his sentence.. now I'm scared.. I should've made an excuse dammit. 

After two hours of just dancing to Alice Cooper and waiting for Peej to arrive, we finally start walking to Dans house. This takes a long time because we're very hyper and take the wrong turn once or twice. 

"Here we are boys," says Chris as we finally turn down his road. "This is the path to the household of  _the_ Daniel Howell." 

I feel like there should be a blue plaque next to the door or a star shining above the roof but it's just an ordinary semi like house. I recognise nearly everybody from school, mostly year tens.

 -

Loud music makes talking impossible so we just follow Chris around, he leads us into the kitchen. 

"Any of you fine gentlemen care for a drink?" He asks, in his most British accent. The worktop is awash with half empty fizzy-bottles, along with a few cans of beer. We find some unopened cans of coke in the fridge but Chris zooms in on the alcohol and quickly makes himself a cocktail he calls 'Brown..' because it's brown.

Going back through the living room, we find a space on the corner of the sofa to sit down. Well, there isn't enough space for all of us so I end up sitting on the floor. It's kinda nice just sitting here, watching what's going on. We have a go at the chubby bunny challenge but with hula hoops, seeing how many we can fit in our mouths. Eventually, Peej wins with twenty something but he gags and spits them out all over Chris so it doesn't count. We're busy nominating someone to go get more snacks from the kitchen when Dan sticks his head in the room and comes over. 

"If my mum comes home from Blackpool early, I'm dead," he says cheerfully. "I'm supposed to be round my sisters but Lulu thinks I'm round here just watching a film." 

There's a crash as a girl who had been dancing flies into a plant pot on the windowsill, Dan inces and suddenly looks less relaxed. 

"So, Daniel," Chris says, knocking back the remains of his 'brown', "you two jive kings got through to the second round of Starwars?"

 "We totally did, me and my dancing Lion." He looks down at me and despite the room, that's heaving with bodies, my friends watching my every move and the heat and noise that surrounds us, I smile up at him and feel myself glowling.  _My dancing Lion._

I want to pat the floor next to me and say, 'sit down' and then we can talk all evening, about everything.. how i'm addicted to anime, how much I love lions, how much I love him, about  _everything._ I have a crazy moment and I'm going to do it.

"Hey, Dan," I say. "Why don't-" but before I can finish Sharon pulls him round by the shoulder - where the fuck did she come from? - and slumps against him.

"There you are baby!" she says. "Come dance with me," and with that she pulls him away from us, away from me.. and into the middle of the room.

I shrink back into the corner and watch them do a sort of half-jive to the music. Sharon makes it look so easy and as she moves around the room - and Dan - in her skinny jeans and loose top, everyone stops talking to watch them. It's amazing how the boys can't take their eyes off her.

"Come on, Phil." Pj says, ruffling my hair. "Let's get you some alcohol," and off we head to the kitchen. 

We hang out there for a while, chatting to Pj's younger brother George and his mates. I notice Laura and Holly sitting in the garden but there's no sign of Louise. Which is strange, she normally loves a good party. 

By now Chris has moved on to 'orange' and he's laughing madly at everything George is saying. Sharon walks in, her cheeks burning red from dancing. She takes a long drink from a bottle of beer that's handed to her and sits on the edge of a table. Her eyes fixed on me. 

"Hey, Philly," She says. Please leave me alone. "Do you like dick?" Around us a few people stop talking. "Go on, you can tell me!" She laughs and throws back her head so her wild hair trails down her back.

"Come on," I say to the others. "Let's go." But they don't hear me over the noise of the party. 

"Ah, don't go baby.. it's just a question." 

I need to get out of this kitchen but Sharon is staring at me, still fucking smiling. I go to walk past her but she lifts her legs up onto the worktop, trapping me. I turn to go the other way but there are too many people. Behind me, Chris is attempting to make another 'orange' while George and Pj are trying to stop him. 

I'm alone.

"Answer the question, fag." Sharon says quietly. "Do you like cock? Yes or no?" 

"No.." I say holding back the tears. I need to get out. 

"Come on, Philly you don't need to lie to me." 

"No.." I say once more, ~~hoping~~ praying she'll leave me alone.

"Yeah, whatever gay boy!" Sharon laughs, she still won't let me past. Behind her, I see Dan come into the kitchen. He stops and looks over at us with a confused face.

Most of the people around us have fallen silent, waiting to see what happens. "What's going on?" 

Sharon jumps off of the worktop to stand next to me, lightly pressed her high heel shoes into my right foot. It hurts a lot surprisingly. "I was just asking Phil if he was having fun, wasn't I?" 

Dan looks from Sharon to me, she presses harder into my foot. "That's right," I say, trying to make my voice sound as normal as possible, ignoring the pain/ 

Her foot moves and she even gives my shoulder a stroke as I walk past them both. The boys realise what's happened and follow me back to our corner of the living room. A few minutes later, Sharon comes in holding hands with Dan. She leads him into the hallway and up the stairs. I feel sick, embarrassed and stupid to even think he cared about me. 

"I'm going to ring for a lift home," I announce. They try to stop me but I've made up my mind. 

As I wait outside for my Mum, the sounds of the party bubbling away behind me, I feel an ache growing inside my stomach. I glance at the upstairs windows. All the curtains are closed and I can't see a thing. Not that I want to see behind the curtains. Maybe I just drank too much beer, or ate too many hula hoops? No.. I don't think so.. I'm just totally and utterly jealous. 

 


	10. kinda relaxing

 

I wake up to the sound of cbeebies and the smell of bacon cooking downstairs, Nan and mum are chatting in the kitchen from what I can hear. I roll over into a patch of sun shining through the window and the air bed makes a wheezy noise. I start to doze off again, before I suddenly hear the frantic patter of heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and then along the hallway to my room. Next, my bedroom door is thrown open. 

"Phil!!" Jessica screams, launching herself across the room and landing on top of me. She puts her mouth to my ear and breaths there for a few seconds. I'm cringing out, pinned beneath her with my mouth squashed against the pillow.

"Guess what!" I can't reply, I can't even breath. "There's a Teletubbie in the garden!" Then she jumps off of me and disappears as quickly as she came in. Now that's worth getting up to see. 

-

For lunch, Nan makes one of her famous chilli lasagnas and me and Jessica make a chocolate cheesecake. It's good, even with her last minute lego 'decorations.' Nan smiles at me as I lick some of the toffee off of an angry looking lego man.

"You look amazing, Philip. Just look at your rosy cheeks." She passes me a plate so I can help myself to more cake. "That'll be the jive. It's such a happy dance." 

-

After lunch, I'm in a surprising good mood so I agree to play 'bounce like crazy' with Jessica. It's a game she used to play with dad but since he's away with his mum, she's starved for fun. Mum puts the CD player on the kitchen window and it starts to black out 'dancing queen' by Abba. We don't have to worry about upsetting the neighbours as our house is at the end of the row and Mr and Mrs Pipes happen to be slightly deaf. 

Next, Jessica and I get up on the trampoline and bounce like three-year olds. I hold Jessica's sticky little hands and jump as high as I can and I realise that I can keep going for much longer than I used to be able to do. ' _I must be getting fitter,'_ I think to myself whilst smiling. "Dancinween! Dancinween!" Jessica shrieks from somewhere around me. 

In fact, she's shrieking so loudly that I don't hear the doorbell ring or my mum calling out to me, or even someone coming into the garden. It's only when Jessica calls out 'It's Danny!" That I realise we have company. Danny? I'm sure I only know one person called Danny but he lives in America. Wait did she mean? Yep. It's Dan.

He grins and walks over to us. Why is he here? I immediately stop jumping, but Jessica and I have built up a lot of momentum. It's surprisingly difficult to look casual on a trampoline with an overexcited toddler bouncing around your ankles.. when you're wearing a wig. Did I mention the wig? 

Mum turns off the CD player and calls Jessica in to watch Postman pat. Well, she doesn't like that idea and makes her feelings clear by climbing up me like a monkey and clinging to my head. "Bounce with Danny!" She screams from somewhere inside my purple wig. Mum comes out and peels her off me, finally getting her inside with the bribe of 'getting another hamster.' 

Suddenly, the garden is silent. "We were playing bounce like crazy," I say, still bouncing a bit. 

Dan nods as though he fully understands and then sits on the edge of the trampoline. He looks up at me rubbing the back of his neck, "I thought we could get some extra practice. Lulu gave gave me the keys to the hall and they haven't got lessons until five." 

"Okay, I can do that," I say quickly. 

"But there is one condition." He says smiling at me now. Is it bad I'm scared?

"What?"

"You must warm up with a quick game of bounce like crazy with me." 

"Agreed." I say giggling slightly, putting my arm out to pull him up. This boy is going to kill me. 

"Where's my wig?" I'm definitely dying. I hand him Jessica's discarded afro. Out the corner of my eye, I see mum and nan peering out of the kitchen window and then Nan's hand reaching out to press play on the CD player. 'Toxic' by Britney Spears fills the garden. They had to fucking choose this song, didn't they? 

"Shall we?" I ask. 

"Lets," Dan replies, taking both of my hands, just like I did with Jessica and starting to bounce. We start small but soon there's no stopping us. You bounce much higher with another boy your age than you do with a three-year old. "I didn't see you again last night," he yells over to me. 

"I ur, I left early." I reply simply. 

"Right.. I'm sorry about Shar-" 

"It's cool." I say. Can we not talk about that bitch?

"You should have stayed.."

I do a rather impressive bum bounce, ignoring the last thing Dan had said, and land back up on my feet. He doesn't seem to mind as he bounces up a bit higher and shouts "Watch out! I'm going to do the final finish!" 

-

Over the next week, we rehearse later and later as we perfect out routine and wait for the Starwars auditions to be shown on Tv. School has become a complicated game of Sharon avoidance. Each afternoon, when I step into the dance studio I feel relaxing. At the end of friday's rehearsal, Dan hands me an envelope. "There's tickets in there so your family can come watch us being filmed on wednesday," he says. "They want shots of our adoring fans." 

We're standing by the exit to the hall. I'm waiting for him to suggest we meet up for extra practice or to watch Starwars together on sunday night, or something else amazing like that.. but he doesn't say anything. Of course he didn't Phil, you idiot. He must have plans and I know who they involve. 

He pause awkwardly. The envelope slips out of my hand and lands by his left foot. Fucking butterfingers. We both bend down to pick it up but I get there first and bump him chin with my forehead on the way up. "Oops, clumsy head!" I say. 

"Right," he says, grabbing his bag. Great now I've scared him off, well done Phil. "I'd better go." He opens the door and looks at me a little while longer, rubbing his chin. Before waving a silent and quick goodbye. 

"See you," I say, but the door has already slammed shut behind him. Clumsy head. Fucking clumsy head! Oh my god. 

-

The next day, Jessica's allowed to stay up late to see 'Phil's film,' she's going to be disappointed, everyone is. We all squeeze into the living room and I'm given the best spot in the middle of the sofa. In front of me, on the coffee table, Nan and her fellow knitters have prepared a 'you're on Tv' feast. Right in the middle of all the food, there's a cake. I don't know who made it but it's meant to look like my face. Well... I guess they tried. Underneath  ~~the troll~~ my face they've piped the words 'Phil rocks!' in wobby icing. It's fair to say they're better at sewing than cake making.

"You should have asked Chris and Louise round," says mum as she nestles in next to me on the sofa. Honestly, mothers don't understand a thing. Louise and I don't even bother saying hello these days and Chris has probably arranged a rave with a gang of friends and a vat of 'orange.' 

"Quiet!" Screams nan, running into the room as the title for Starwars comes on Tv. There's heavy military music, close-ups of tear streaked faces and then the screen goes black before 'STARWARS LET THE DANCE BATTLE COMMENCE' is spelt out in a shower of stars. 

Everybody screams and I hide behind a pillow. Mum rushes into the kitchen to grab another bottle of orange juice for Jessica, when she gets back the ads are coming to an end and I'm still hiding behind my pillow. Suddenly, the opening credits appear. Stars swirl around a black sky and then, to thudding music the words 'Starwars' appears, at first tiny but gradually getting bigger and bigger until it fills the screen.

"Oh, Phil!" squeals Mum. "I'm so excited!" 

"Where's Phil?" Asks Jessica, "that Phil?" She points at the presenter, Bruce Atkins, a six-foot, ex-reality Tv star, wearing a dinner jacket and bow tie. "Oh. That man not Philip."

"Sushhh," I say.

"Welcome to Starwars: Battle of the dancers!" Says Bruce, twinkling in the camera. "We've been searching ever corner of Britain to find the very best young dancers our country has to offer. Of course, we also had to let a lot of people go because, well, they weren't quite battle ready as you can see for yourselves.." 

"Bruce has got beautiful buns!" Gasps Jean, the oldest of Nan's knitting club. She tends to say whatever pops into her head. The next twenty-five minutes are take up with footage of the dancers who didn't make it through and interviews with them afterwards. 

"That Phil?" asks Jessica everytime a new face appears on the screen, while Jean offers her expert opinion on every dancer. We get, 'strange ears', 'looks like a tart' and 'moves like my husband after he's eaten beans.' I don't know what she means by that and I don't want to find out. 

Finally, in the last five minutes, successful dancers are shown. I recognise a couple of faces and then I see the Michael Jackson wannabe. "He was good!" I yell, point at the screen. 

Bruce's commentary starts up again. "Luckily for him, our judges were blown away with his wacko moves! Same goes for Dan and Phil, who've rock 'n' rolled their way into the semi-finals!" And there we are, for about seven seconds, spinning around on the stage.

"That Phil?" asks Jessica. 

"Yes!" We all cry, and then we are gone from the screen only to be replaced with a couple of seconds of the dancing ladies. 

"Philip, you looked absolutely stunning!" Says nan, wide-eyed. Mum just clutches me to her and wipes a tear from her eye. "What you learnt in just a week is incredible," Nan adds. "I can't wait to see you in the semis! Is it okay if we come and watch it being filmed?" 

There's a ripple of excitement in the room and everyone's eyes light up. I've been dreading this moment. I'm going to be stressed out enough in London without worrying about Nan and what she'll be saying.. or doing.. or wearing.. WIll it be her lime green topshop tassel dress or her strapless miss selfridge trouser suit?

"I don't know," I say. "It's next wednesday, so Mum's working and you'll be watching Jessica." 

"I could change my shift. We could all come!" Mum looks really excited, but I'm not. Can you imagine them having to stop filming because Jessica won't stop shouting out 'That Phil? That Danny?' every five seconds, and the idea of Sharon being so close to the ones I love, laughing at them.. I couldn't stand it.

"Don't worry about it," I say. "It'll get complicated. I'd rather just go up there with Lulu." There are a few moments of silence. 

"Whatever you want, love," Nan says, giving me a big squishy cuddle. "We'll be able to watch you on Tv." I bury my face into Nan's shoulder and try to ignore my mum's hurt look and the waves of disappointment from the others.. 

 


	11. Ups and then downs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story is also on wattpad ;) #  
> I'm not sorry

On the train up to london, Dan and I sit in silence, staring out of different windows. We practiced till we were ready to drop, but although our routine is fast and slick, we still can't do the final finish. 

I don't think I'm capable of talking, so I focus on watching clouds flash by. Lulu tries her best to start a conversation but in the end she just gives up and flicks through a magazine. 

We go on the underground to get the Tv studios and then it's a five-minute walk. Even though we're just a couple of hours from home, london is a different world. I don't see how anyone would like it here. I'd never live here. There's a stream of people all walking in the direction of the studio and we fall in step with them. 

The studio is a huge, curving white building and we have to go through security just to get to the lobby. Uniformed guards check our bags and even pat us down. Next, we queue at the desk with a Starwars sign hanging over it. There are a few serious-faced girls waiting ahead of us with their mums, they have elaborate hair and make-up as though they are about to step on the stage. Dan and I glance at each other, we are  _totally_ out of our depth.

"Don't worry, my darlings," says Lulu, putting her arms around us. "If you can manage to get through the semis, we have a whole two weeks. You can learn some Lindy Hop and we'll crack the aerials so you have something incredible for the finals."

" _If_ we get through," says Dan. 

"It don't mean a thing.." sings Lulu softly.

"What's that?" I ask.

"Duke Ellington, a swing classic. You two have swing. You have jive, the best dance in the world. That's why you  _will_ get through. It's what i repeat to myself before I complete."

"Hey, I sometimes do that.." I say but trail off when the lobby doors swing open and Sharon comes straight up to Dan and throws her arms around his neck, the Dancing ladies fall in behind her. Lulu rolls her eyes and gives me a disgust look pointing at sharon. I laugh but soon shut up when Sharon glares at me. 

"I'm soooooo nervous!" cries Sharon, standing closer to Dan, her arms resting on his shoulders. I risk a smile at Louise and she makes her eyes go big and round like an owl. I realise that this is all she can risk, this is her smile.. it's better than nothing. I do the same face back to her and she slams her hand over her mouth, trying not to laugh. By now, we're at the front of the queue and Lulu pulls Dan over to sort out some forms. They seem to be having an argument. 

"Phil," says Dan suddenly. "What's your favourite animal?" 

"Lions," I reply without hesitating. 

-

Soon we're following a girl called Gem down a long complicated series of corridors. She has a wave of blonde hair that falls over one eye and she's wearing an oversized vest with 'Die Tumblr Die' printed across it. That's a bit rude, tumblr is my life. After going up in a lift, down two sets on stairs and across a courtyard, we stand outside of a set of double doors that are big enough to drive a bus through.

"Welcome to studio six ,the Starwars studios," says Gem, pulling open the doors.

We stream in and there is a collective gasp. The stage is vast and stretches into rows of seating. The black backdrop towers behind the stage and it's spangled with LED stars. It's like gazing into the night sky. Once the doors shut behind us, there's no natural light, just powerful spotlights that swing across the auditorium. The lighting crew must be experimenting because the lights keep changing colour. I look at Dan and watch his beautiful face go green, then magenta. God he's so hot. Sharon is whispering something in his ear and pointing at another group of girls. A blue light sweeps across them both. 

Gem waves in the direction of the seats that rise all around us. "These will be full in a few hours, she says casually. The talking for some reason dies away..

-

Telling adults to take a seat, Gem leads the dancers up a flight of back-lit glass stairs to the main stage. We stand and look out, it's impossible to spot Lulu because the lights are so bright. God, it's so hot. The girls that had make-up put on them, now have it trickling down their faces along with sweat. 

"Sorry, girls, I'm afraid we're going to have to redo your make-up," Gem says. "It has to be special for TV. In fact, we'll do that now. As the rest of you, boys to the changing rooms!" 

Our changing room looks like a conference room, but the curtains are shut and mirrors have been arranged everywhere. All around me, must boys are just stripping to their boxers and walking around the room, competing to look the most laid back. But Dan is nowhere to be seen. I ignore them all, mainly because the one boy i want to see isn't here, and slip into my new black arse hugging jeans and into another new shirt. It's a black shirt with a red collar and buttons. 

Before I go to find Dan, I glance in the mirror. I stop and stare, peering a bit closer. I look brighter, and more colourful.. 'Hello sexy' I think to myself obviously not saying it outloud. Could you imagine? That would be so embarrassing. I leave the room slipping my think glasses back onto my nose.

He's waiting in the corridor. "Wow!" He says, his eyes going wide. Does he mean wow, you're so beautiful Phil I love you or wow, freaky clown face? Most probably the second on. I could honestly say the first one to him though, he's dressed in the same black jeans as me and a black shirt with a solar eclipse on it. God I love his body, glancing at his hands I notice the black nail varnish and slight eyeliner under his eyes, complimenting his earrings. He's killing me.

"Where were you?" I ask, suddenly remembering he's still here. 

"Toilet, I don't like changing in front of too many people."

And with that I smile and quickly and walk in what seems to be the right direction. "Come on," I call over my shoulder. "We'll be late!" 

-

After we've rehearsed, we're shown into another large room where we wait until filming starts. There's a table covered with sandwiches, bottles of water, flapjacks, chocolate brownies and beautifully arranged fruit. Usually, I'd have piled up a plate but just like everyone else in the room, I have no appetite. The first group up, Bo Salsa, is a couple doing a latin dance to fast guitar music, the next group is street dancers. As each group comes back, sweating and grinning with relief, they're cheered back in. I love that atmosphere and If i wasn't so nervous - and if Sharon wasn't hanging around Dan - I might be able to enjoy myself.

Gem comes back in with her clipboard. "Jiving Phans, you're next."

"Come on, Philip," Dans says grabbing my hand. "This is it!" 

"What?" I am so confused. 

"That's us: Jiving Phans. Lulu wanted 'Jiving Dils, but I told her no way because it's too close to jiving dildos. I said we'd keep the jiving part and I created a cooler name." 

"Jiving Phans?" 

"Don't look like that. It's a mixture of our names, Phil and Dan!" Oh okay, I get it. 

"Come on, you two!" snaps Gem impaintently, and we get moving. 

"Good luck babe!" Calls Sharon, I guess she's talking to Dan. 

We stand backstage while House Party, a girl group performs. We hear their music and the audience's crazy reaction to them but we can't see anything. I know Dan's family are watching and now I wish that I had one person out there who would be yelling for me.. even if that person was sixty-five and wearing a tight yellow jumpsuit. The audience goes wild as House Parties track faded out. I take a deep breath and look at Dan. We attempt to smile at each other but fail. Instead we both hold hands. It's just how we are on stage.

"Phil?" He whispers.

"Yeah?"

"What's that thing you say?" 

"What thing?" 

"About being brave." The applause is petering out and Bruce talks into the microphone. 

"It's Shakespeare," I say. "Something Nan taught me." 

"Tell me." 

"Though he may be little, he is fierce." 

Gem pops out of the shadows and whispers, "On in five." Listening to her earpiece, pulling it close so she can hear over the applause, she holds up her hand and starts to take away her fingers, counting us down. "Four, three, two," she mouths - House party sweeps past us - "One!" 

Together we leave the gloom of the backstage and emerge into dazzling lights, swinging into a perfect close hold in the centre of the stage. Blackness and stars surround us. The audience is silent, waiting. Our eyes lock, something we've rehearsed and Dan says, quietly but perfectly, clearly, "Be fierce Phil.." 

I nod, our track kicks in, and we hit our first move with perfect timing. I don't think or worry, I just dance. I know from our first steps that we're fast and sharp, better than ever. We are filled with energy and something is different. Perhaps it's the heat of the lights, or the cries of the audience, or maybe it's the baseline of our track which is so loud I can feel the vibrations in my body. Dan spins me, dips me, slows it down, speeds it up. We make eye contact, which lulu has been trying to get us to do for weeks, and we smile at the same time and laugh at the same time. Our feet move faster, our hands fall together firmly and before I know it, we're dancing out final steps.  Dan swings me away and backwards, I drop back into his hands so he can push me into a lift. It's not a full aerial but it still looks good. The studio erupts with applause before my feet have returned to the ground. We stand there catching out breath and laughing. 

Bruce runs up to join us and stands between us, arms around our heaving shoulders. "How about that! How much do we love Jiving Phans?" Obediently, the audience yell back, giving him what he wants. "So, Dan, do you think you've got what it takes to win Starwars?" 

"Well, we've got a few surprises for the final," he says, without missing a beat, "so we hope we get to show you just what we're capable of." 

Bruce turns to me. "Phil, what brought you two together to form Jiving Phans?" 

I say the first thing that comes into my head, "My Nan made me." There's a moment's silence and then the audience laughs and I wish Nan was sitting in the audience, nudging people to let them know who she is. 

"So, you two, Jive? Bit of a grannies' dance, isn't it?" 

"Not if you do it fast enough," Dan cuts in. 

"Well, I just hope the judges want to see your next dance as much as we do. Let's hear it again for Jiving Phan!" As we exit, the Dancing ladies ruch past us. Dan's shoulder brushes against Sharon's arm, but she's so focused she doesn't even notice. 

-

When we've all preformed, we line up onstage while the judges' decision is announced. There are several cameras panning up and down the row, filming our anxious faces. We stand in silence while Bruce prepares the audience. Intense white lights shine in our eyes and I can't see beyond Bruce. Dan doesn't hold my hand. He stares at the ground.

"Only five of these amazing dance acts can go through to the Starwars final." Bruce says, before pausing for several painful seconds. "In a few moments, there are going to be some broken dreams on this stage because I have in my hand the judges' decision." He holds a stiff gold envelope towards a camera and then turns to us. 

"When I open this, you will know if you're on your way to the finals or going home for good." He turns back to face the audience and a drum roll begins, growing with intensity until my heart shakes with each crash. "If I call your name you are through." Abruptly, the drums stop and he pulls open the envelope.

"The judges loves the sophisticated, contemporary shine of this all-girl act. Congratulations to.. the Dancing ladies! You are through to the finals!"

I am shocked and disappointed. Wow, I'm a horrible person. I'd almost forgotten they were competing with us. It's unusual enough having two groups from the same school in the semis - no way will we both get through to the finals. Cheering rings through the studio and there's a flurry of movement and screaming as the girls rush forward to the front of the stage. Now I hang my head like Dan. I can't believe we've come this far only for it to end right now, this minute. No more jive.. no more close holds.. no more-

Interrupting my thoughts, Bruce reads the names of two more groups: Recall and Tribe. Mild hysteria ensures as the Recall boys start back-flipping and the Tribe girls start crying. Meanwhile, I ache with disappointment. Filming pauses for a moment as the semi-finalists are reined back in. A girl with a slate steps front of Bruce and snaps it shut. 

"You're a hot latian act who got the judges' pulses racing.." Dan and I visibly sag when Bruce announces this. 

"But sadly it wasn't enough! Jiving Phans you could be staring in the west end! Congrats!" 

I don't even hear him say this, I'm too busy thinking about how I'm never going to hold Dan that close again. "It's us.." Dan's shaking me now. "He said Jiving Phans! We did it Phil!" and he pulls me forward to the front of the stage.

Bruce gives me a big hug and I grin and grin. "So, Phil, I take it you're surprised and happy?" All I can do is smile and nod, the audience laughs. Bruce has a more coherent conversation with Dan while I grin towards the lights, wishing mum and nan were here watching me. 

-

This time as we travel home on the train, I get to discuss every second of the show with Dan and Lulu. We even grab a tray of krispy kreme doughnuts at the station and spent the journey eating all twelve analysing every move we made.

"I knew you had a chance when you ran on," says Lulu. "You were relaxed - amazing really - but more relaxed than I've ever seen you two. Especially you, Phil."

"I was terrified," I say.

"No. You were  _fierce,"_ says Dan.

"Wait till you see yourself on Tv," Lulu cuts in.

I ring Mum for the tenth time and leave her another message. Why can't she pick up? No one's answering at home either and Nan's mobile is switched off. I guess mum's doing something at work and nan's got the Tv turnt up high. I hope everything is okay. 

-

The journey flies by and we're still laughing as we walk along the platform. At first I don't notice mum standing there behind the barrier. "Philip!" She calls, giving me a wave. 

"MUm!" I run up to her and we hug. I feel so bad that I stopped her and nan coming up to london. "We got through! Can you believe it?"

"That's fantastic!" she says but her voice sounds broken, then I notice her red eyes and how hard her mouth is trying to smile. Something's not right.

"What's wrong?" 

"I'm so sorry Philip, It's nan." She says, scaring me.

"What's happened? Is she okay? Tell me!" 

"She's really ill, Phil. She's in hospital." 

The station seems to disappear. The happiness drains from my body into the cold night air. I feel sick.

"They're doing everything they can to help her. She collapsed at home." 

"Where's Jessica?"

"At the neighbours house." 

"Is she alright?" I ask.

"I think she found it rather exciting," says mum, "The ambulance and everything.." 

"But what's wrong?" 

"She's had a stroke, Phil. And it's not looking good." 

I stare blankly at my mother. She's holding my hands and trying to not cry, but I can't understand what she's saying. Thoughts about nan fly through my head: her yellowy grey hair, her lasagne, the time I threw cards at her during a stressful game of uno, how I wouldn't let her come and watch me today, even though I knew how much she wanted to.. and how  _it's not looking good_ , and that I see what mum is trying to tell me, what 'not looking good really means.

"It happened so quickly," she cries and so do I too. I have to call nan and tell her that I'm sorry about the playing cards and not letting her come to london.

"Can I see her?"

"No, she's too ill. At the moment she's having an operation. I've got to get back so that I'm there when she wakes up. Philip, I need to drop you home so you can go get Jessica from next door. She'll be trying to ride Buffy. She's still convinced she's a horse." This makes me smile. "Can you look after her until I get back? It might be very late." 

Mum and Lulu have a chat, and I look at Dan, who's standing off to one side. I almost laugh because he looks so worried and I look so grim, but then the almost-laugh threatens to be a big sob so I clamp my mouth shut and screw up my toes. 

"Hey, Phil I'm sorry." He says and then he does something, no one was expecting. He kissed my cheek. I blush so hard and smile a very hard smile. He says his goodbyes by hugging me tightly, before I follow Mum out of the station. 

 

 

 

 


	12. "LOVE YOU!"

Jessica is very distracting. We eat spaghetti hoops and cheese on toast, even though it's way past her bedtime, and then we watch all five episodes of her favourite Postman Pat DVD.. twice. I hear the theme tune twenty times.  _Twenty._

I'm trying not to cry - because of Jessica - but it's hard. I have this constant ache inside me. When Jessica thinks I'm sad, she gives me a toy until there's hardly any room for us on our double seat sofa. The phone rings all evening and I have to keep telling aunties, uncles and cousins what mum has told me, which isn't much. Dad rings from his family house in Mexico to tell me that there are no flights back for 48 hours and that mum should call him when she gets back from the hospital. I tell him about Starwars and he puts a lot of effort into being excited for me. 

"Make sure you record every second you're on Tv," he says, before he gets cut off with a huge crackle noise. 

Eventually, Jessica falls asleep on my lap, she has tomato sauce all over her face and looks like a baby vampire. The phone rings again and I pick it up straight away so it won't wake her. "Hello," I whisper, expecting another family member. 

"Hi, it's Dan," says a voice that still manages to make me happy despite what is happening. "Why are you so quiet?"

"My sister's asleep on me," I whisper.

"So.. what are you doing?"

"Watching Postman Pat."

"But Jessica's asleep?"

"It's my favourite episode: Postman Pat and the hole in the road.. it's a really be hole." 

"Well.. I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. My mum once made me a Postman Pat birthday cake and put a photo of my face on it so I was sitting in the van with Pat and Jess." 

"I can beat that Daniel, my nan made me a birthday cake decorated with frozen peas." 

"Why?" He giggles. God he's so cute. 

"Because I asked for a Princess and the pea cake but without the princess. And i guess frozen peas taste good with frosting."

"Your nan is cool." 

"I know." I hesitate, then decide to tell him something that's bothering me, even though it isn't as funny as frozen peas. "I don't think I realised that until today.. you know, I wouldn't let her come up to london because I was embarrassed about her."

"You're embarrassed about everything, Phil: Jiving, that barbie doll, your black hair.."

"How do you know I'm embarrassed about my hair?"

"I'm very wise, Philip."

"Yeah, well, shut up!" After saying this we both fall into fits of laughter, which makes my legs bounce around, that then wakes up Jessica who growls at me. "I'd better go," I say.

"Okay, see you tomorrow, Phil."

"Thanks for ringing.." 

"That's alright, bye.."

"See you.."

"Bye.."

"Yeah, bye.." 

"PHIL LOVES YOU!" screams Jessica. I gasp and hang up, Jessica looks furious. "I wanted to speak to daddy."

"That wasn't daddy Jessica, oh my god.." 

-

"Hi there, Philly! Oh my gosh, your hair looks even better today than normal! I love it!" Sharon screams, the second I walk into our tutor room. Suddenly, I feel really tired. After all, I only slept a few hours last night. Mum crept into my room at around four in the morning to tell me the operation had gone well and Nan had 'a chance.' She said they would know more after Nan had a brain scan. It wasn't much but I could sleep after that. I grab a bit of my jet black hair and look at it. I think about Nan on her own at the hospital. Then I feel angry. I turn and face Sharon.

"Where did you get the dye? I want my hair just like yours!" she continues, but with less enthusiasm then before. I don't say anything, but I don't look away either. "What are you staring at, freak?" she demands, pushing back her chair. 

"I'm staring at  _you_ Sharon," I say before she walks towards me, her face confused and furious at the same time. At that Moment, Mrs Janks, the supply teacher walks in slurping her coffee. 

"Sit down," she says, totally failing to notice the tension in the room. We turn and walk away from each other. Chris raises his eyebrow at me and mouths 'Wow!' I just shrug at him. I just don't care what happens today. My fear for myself is tiny compared to my fear for nan.

-

After school, we rehearse as usual and I instantly feel fine: I know that Lulu is the best distraction for me. "I've choreographed a whole new routine for you." Lulu says firmly. She is taking this very seriously. "You've got just over two weeks and I want to make them count. First, we'll demonstrate and them, I'll lead you through it. I've included several aerials and some lindy hop." 

"Lindy what?" Aks Dan.

"Hop. It's a jazz dance from the 1920's, very cool. It will surprise everyone, it has synchronised solo dancing and it will look amazingly laid back." Dan and I must look baffled, because Lulu then says, "Just watch and learn. Now, you're going to see a lot of aerials. We won't start rehearsing them yet but I know that you're really close to being able to do them. Trust me." 

The music starts and they swing out of the close hold and almost straight into the aerial move. "That's the chuck!" yells Lulu as she flies, upside down, over Ray's shoulder, before landing with a delicate bounce and swinging back into the close hold.

"We are so dead," Dan says under his breath. 

"You're not dead," I say, as once again Lulu is turned upside down, but this time Ray swings her behind his back. "I am."

"Judo flip!" Lulu calls out as Ray throws her up again. 

"Yep. You're dead," Dan agrees. The dance is incredible, fast, funny and because of the aerials moves, impressive. "And you expect us to do that?" asks Dan the moment the music stops.

"You can and you will," says Lulu. "But for today, we'll just block out the hard moves." It's a long lesson, but we learn quickly and soon we're able to move through most of the dance, pausing every now and then where a aerial will go. Before long, we're exhausted.

- 

It's late when Mum picks me up and takes me to the hospital. Nan's in her own room in a part of the hospital for patients recovering from strokes. As we walk down the long, echoing corridors towards her room. mum says, "She looks very ill. I want you to be prepared." Well obviously. Outside her ward we squirt some weird alcohol gel on our hands, I've recently been biting my nails so it stings quite a bit.

When we talk in, she's laying back in a high bed staring at a corner of the room. She doesn't have her teeth in or any make-up on and her hair is limp and greasy. Her body and face looks deflated, it's hard to see anything of nan in the old lady lying on the bed in front of me. There's also a horrible smell in the room, sort of sweet and warm. 

"Hi, nan," I say, giving her a kiss on the cheek then standing back. Really, I want to climb up next to her on the best and rest my head on her chest, like I did when I was a little boy. I want to tell her how last night was the worse night of my life and how it's changed something in me. But I can't do any of this because she's covered in needles and tubes and she's just staring at me without smiling. After a couple of minutes, she seems to recognise me. 

"Philip," she says, as though she is trying to say my name for the first time. "I had an operation." Her voice is slurred.

"I know, nan. I was so worried i-"

"When are the finals?" She interrupts me.

"In two weeks."

"You'll win," she says and then she tries to smile.

"Thanks, nan." 

"Tell me about it." This comes out as a whisper.

So while mum does lots of nursey things, I sit next to her bed, holding her hand, trying to ignore the needle held in place with tape and the splatters of brown blood, and tell her about the semi-finals. Nan stares at me without talking or smiling, which is strang at first but I get used to it. 

Before we go, mum explains that dad isn't coming home for a few more weeks. I'm sure she must be disappointed, but her face doesn't change from a black expression. She's falling asleep as I say my goodbyes. "Nan, will you come and watch the finals being filmed?" I ask hopeful. 

"That would be lovely," she manages, but we both secretly know it won't happen.

-

The next few days are a bit of a blur of jiving and hand gel as I rehearse and visit nan in the hospital, squeezing in a bit of school as well. Everyone has heard about the Dancing ladies and Jiving Phans getting through to the finals, and in assembly basically every teacher instructs each year group to 'Watch Starwars on the telly and support your fellow students!'

On thursday, the local paper turns up and we get taken out of lessons for a photo on the field. The six of us stand shivering in a line waiting to be told what to do. "Right, can you do something for me?" asks the woman holding the camera. We all look at her blankly until she adds, "You know, how you start or finish your dances, something that will look good in the photo." 

We separate into our groups, or rather, Dan leaves his position next to Sharon and comes next to me. We stand in close hold and the Dancing ladies, directed by Sharon, strike an elaborate pose.

"Wonderful!" says the photographer. "Now, you two on the end, the Phan thing, I want you on your own. Do something different." Still in the close hold, Dan looks at me and frowns. It's hard for us to pick out a single move from the dance as each step flows into the next. Suddenly, his face lights up and he dips me backwards so my leg flies up in the air, then he turns and grins at the camera. 

"Loving it!" The photographer calls out, snapping away. "Right, girls, I want you over by the sign to the school." Dan eases me back upright. 

"What was that?" I ask, laughing.

"I don't know," he says, looking panicked and embarrassed. "I thought it looked like the sort of move they do in old films, you know, at the end of the dance. Do you think it looked good?"

"Well, we'll find out on saturday." 

Sure enough, when the paper comes out, there we are on the front page. I'm staring up at Dan with what appears to be a look of adoration on my face but I know it's really a look of shock. The Dancing ladies also have a much smaller photo on page four. Guess we know who the fans prefer, huh?

-

My heart lifts when I see nan sitting up in bed sucking a drink through a straw. It's full of clinky ice cubes. "Just tonic water, I'm afraid -" her voice is still a bit slurred - "But this is better than gin." She holds up a button attached to a tube and gives it a couple of clicks. "Morphine," she explains.

I lift my marks and spencers carrier bags high in the air, "I got everything you asked for." Tonight's Starwars night and she's planned another party, but this time it's in the hospital. "And I brought this to show you." I pass her a copy of the local paper.   
  


"Oh, Philip! It's beautiful." Nan gazes in awe at the photo of Dan and me, posing in our school uniforms. "Find my nail scissors, I want you to cut it out and stick it on the wall where I can see it." 

I'm still cutting out the picture when the nurse arrives. "Hello, love, did you buzz for me?" She asks, pressing a button and turning off the flashing light above nan's door. 

"Yes, Trish. I wanted to show you this beautiful photo of my grandson in the papers."

"Nan," I groan. "She's too busy for that!" But the nurse doesn't seem to mind. She has a look at the photo and says that Dan's got 'the body of a swimmer' and is he my boyfriend? "No," I say quickly. 

"Well, you make a gorgeous couple," says Trish. The gorgeous couple thing is obviously a sweet lie, the sort of thing nurses are good at saying. "I best be off, but I'll be back to watch Starwars with you! After all, I did get my invitation!" She pulls a piece of paper from her pocket and waves around it as she leaves the room.

"Invitation?" I ask. "Nan.. what have you done?"

"I got Marion to make them for me, look." She finds a flyer-sized piece of paper next to her bed and hands it to me. I have to admit, Marion's not done a bad job. She's cut and pasted the Starwars logo at the top and below is a picture of me, my body cropped from a christmas day photo. I know this, because I'm wearing a colourful paper hat. In comic sans are the words:

' _Share a cup of tea and a slice of cake with me, and watch my grandon Jive his socks off. 8pm, room 14, Friston Ward.'_

 

There is a border of stars around the whole thing and Marion has coloured in some of the stars with yellow felt tip. "You must really be proud of me," I say, staring at the invitation. 

"Philip, I've been proud of you from the moment I set my eyes on you." she picks up my hand, I know what's coming next. I've heard this story so many times before. "I opened the front door and there you were in your mother's arms, this tiny baby staring up at me with huge, bluey, green eyes." She smiles at the memory. "You looked so determined, so brave, I knew you could do anything you wanted."

"I probably won't win, nan."

"Of course you will, Philip."

"There's a knock at the door. It's the doctor man who hands round the tea and he's holding an invitation. It looks like our first guest has arrived. I look down again at the invitation and peer closer at the photo. 

..hang on, what the fuck am I wearing?..

"Nan, did you give Marion your phone and tell her to choose a photo by any chance?" 

"That's right. I'd probably have chosen a different one. Her eyesight is shocking." It's certainly an interesting picture. Last christmas, dad bet me a fiver that I couldn't fit in Jessica's cat costume. I proved him wrong and managed to squeeze myself into it.. Jessica was not impressed. 

"How many of these did you give out, nan?"

"Oh, around twenty.. three?" She sounds vague. Dan must never see this photo. 

-

Soon I'm crammed onto the tiny room with Nan, two nurses, tea-man Antoni, Dr Prosser and Marion, getting ready for my second ever TV appearance. As the theme tune starts, I feel the excitement grow in the room. There's a party atmosphere, helped by sandwiches and cakes that are arranged on the bed. More people squeeze in to eat a cherry Bakewell and see what all the fuss is about. I perch on the edge of Nan's bed, squeezing her hand, and when Dan and I eventually appear on the screen everyone cheers, and I grip Nan's hand even tighter.

The nurses 'oooh' and 'aaah' throughout our dance and even though everyone knows we're through to the finals, they still clap and cheer when Bruce reads our names. Of course, Nan loves it when I say that she got us dancing together and as the credits roll she tells me she feels.. slightly better after her operations. Still, it's good she's getting better.

The room empties and I'm the last to go. "Phil," nan calls as I'm leaving. I stick my head back into the room again. She's sunk down in her pillows. "Okay, off you go. I just wanted to see those big brave eyes again." 

 


	13. It's my fault..

"You're one of those Jiving Phans, aren't you?" says a women by the tinned fruit. "I saw you on Tv!" She says nice and loud so everyone around us turns to stare. Mum's sent me down to the Co-op before school to buy some milk and I've just been spotted. "Can I have a photo with you?" I pose for a photo and then she takes another with me by myself holding her baby. "Okay, bye, Jiving Phan! Good luck!" she yells as I walk down another aisle. 

If you thought that was strange, then school is much weirder. I'm showered with attention. Usually, teachers struggle to remember my name. I get lots of, ' _Um, you with the gingery-ish hair,'_ or normally now,  _'jet black-ish hair, Peter? Alex? Tom? Don't tell me..'_ at which point I put them out of their misery and then they go,  _'That's it, Phil! Can you read from page twenty-six'_ or something like that. Well, today, it's.. hand these out, Phil.. Pick a team, Phil... Hold my mint tea while I open the door, Phil. By the time I get to rehearsal, I've signed to autographs, been kissed by an old woman and had ' _You suck, dancing Phan or whatever it is!"_ shouted by a man out of a moving car window. 

With just one week until the finals, Dan and I are now rehearsing for longer than ever before, often not finishing until 10 or 11pm. We are all over the new dance and know it's looking good, but there is one  ~~tiny~~ HUGE problem: I still can't do any aerial moves. 

Today, even Lulu is starting to panic. "Look, if you two can't sort this out, you can't win - simple as that." She looks down at us on the floor, where we've fallen once again. "Without it, the routine has no wow-factor. It's just a well-executed jive that anyone could perform with enough practice and tuition. If you can master a basic aerial, like the Final finish, then all the others will follow. It will look stunning. If you can't, well, it will just look.." 

She leaves us to imagine how tragic it will look.. in front of millions of people. We look away from each other as she tells us off. It's hopeless. Ray and Lulu have tried everything but when it comes to the vital moment I just can't get beyond a certain point. It's all my fault we're failing right now.

"Phil, tell me honestly, why do you think Dan will let you fall?" What can I say? Each time we attempt an aerial I tell myself that this is it, this time it will work, I just have to follow Lulu's instructions, launch myself into Dan's arms and trust him not to drop me. Everything is fine when in the crucial moment, I hesitate for a fraction of a second and I crash down. Why don't I trust Dan? Sharon. Dan likes Sharon. How can he like the one person those hobby is hating me? Maybe it wouldn't matter if I didn't like him so much. That kiss on the cheek was just sympathy, he's messing with me. I like him. I really, really like him. Obviously, I can't tell Lulu this with him here.

I feel my eyes welling up, I look away. "I don't know.." I say quietly.

She looks exhausted. "Okay. We're all tired. But whatever it is, I want it sorted out by tomorrow. We might as well call it a day." She goes to help Ray dismantle the sound system. Dan and I remain on the floor.

"Oh, well," he says, lying on his back with his hands under his head, staring at the ceiling. 

"I'm sorry.." 

"Maybe we'll be able to do it tomorrow." He gets up, "right, I'd better go or I'll be late." He looks at his phone, not me.

I need to say something, explain what is worrying me and ask him about Sharon but really, it's none of my business. He's my dance partner, not my boyfriend, as much as I wish. If I ask him how he can bare to spend time with a girl like Sharon, he'll know in an instant I like him. And not just his shoulders, all of him: eyes, arms, smile, personality, face, even his rucksack with the "I love your mum," badge on it. And that's the one thing he can never know because I won't even be able to dance with him. 

When I look up, he's gone. 

- 

As I stand at the bus stop the next morning, I feel small and useless. The bus pulls up, I hold out my pass and climb on board. Suddenly, Dan stands in my way. "Sorry wrong bus," he says to the driver, grabbing my sleeve and pulling me back onto the pavement.

"What are you doing?" I ask. Then I notice he's wearing non-uniform, "Oh god, It's non-school uniform day isn't it.. I didn't know!" 

"Phil," he says in the cutest voice, dammit. "Stop worrying for one second. It's not non-school uniform day, I'm skiving and so are you."

"What?"

"We can't do aerials because you don't trust me. Simple as that. I don't know why but that's what I realised last night," he looks happy whilst he's saying this. "So I decided; today we're going to have such a great time that when we go into aerials this afternoon you will have to trust me!" 

"That's crazy!"  _He was thinking about me last night?_

"Maybe.. is your mum home?" 

"No," I say, allowing myself to be pulled back to the direction of my house.

"Good, you need to get changed. Also, we need to ring school and say why we're not in, otherwise they call home.

"Where we going?" 

"The seaside!" 

I know, I know, I should insist on going to school. This could get me into deep trouble and if mum finds out it will be another stressful event for her to cope with. But I don't say no, instead I say: "I love the seaside!" 

-

Half an hour later, we're sitting on a bus heading for brighton. Speaking in my best 'manly' voice, I tell the school secretary that unfortunately my son, Daniel Howell, has once again 'got that nasty rash he picks up at rugby training.. and it's very itchy.' Five minutes later, Dan rings to tell them that his son Philip Lester, has been sick and 'it's coming out of his nose.'

We sit on our own on the top deck of the bus and creep towards the coast. To start off with, I'm terrified that we'll be spotted by a teacher. I've never had a detention and I don't want to start now. "This is the most baddest thing I've ever done in my whole life," I explain.

Dan rolls his eyes, "Well, maybe you should be a bit more bad in life, Lester." He winks. Okay, I'm so confused.

My stomach still churns and it's only when we get off the bus and we're swallowed up in the packed streets of Brighton that I relax and start to enjoy myself. 

First we go to the pier and play on the arcade machines. Dan dedicates at least half and hour and about two hundred 2ps, to win a plastic key ring of a french looking llama. At least I think it's french. It's wearing a beret and looks like it's holding a baguette so we're assuming it is. We race on mario kart type motorbikes but Dan refuses to have another race with me because I beat him. Although he claims that my 'all or nothing' rule was putting him off. Well, his screaming was putting me off. 

Finally, because out money is going fast, we go on a game called 'Dance, Dance Revolution supernova II' and jump around on light up plastic squares and 'move and groove' to the beat.

We wander along the prom and get some chips, eating them on the pebbly beach, throwing one or two to the seagulls that are lurking around. Behind us the wind snaps the sails of boats that have been pulled up the shore, ropes slapping against the masts. The sky is a disney cartoon blue and the sun warms my face. We watch as people fight to control newspapers, play the bongos, argue and eat. We don't talk but we don't need to. I let my mind drift back to Sharon and start to get tied up in knots thinking about how she'll respond to me sitting on the beach with her boyfriend.. after all, they're going out, aren't they? I look at Dan and realise that he's staring at me. Then I have a revelation: Why don't I ask him? "Dan, are you and Sharon dating?" 

My moment of mad fierceness leaves me and I feel my cheeks burn. He screws up his face and looks out to sea. Surely this is a 'yes' or 'no' answer. It can't be that difficult.

"Ah.. well.. no. I suppose we were seeing each other, for about five minutes but then she did something and I told her we should just be friends. You remember, that time I was late for rehearsal?" 

I remember." I say, thinking back to my tears in the car. 

"That's when I told her or tried to tell her but she wouldn't listen. I suppose I should say what she did." As he talks he starts throwing stones in my empty paper cup. "It's funny really, that such a small thing should bother me so much. She said my dog looked like a fag. There was other stuff too, but I hate that word and I love my doggo and once she said it I realised that was it."

I join him in stone throwing. "Well, you're dogs not a fag, he's really cute," I say. "She's always calling me a faggot.. and a fat weird ugly rat thing, but not all at the same time.. well she did once."

"Oh.. I'm sorry I didn't notice," says Dan. "My dog got it easy. For the record, Phi, you're not a weird fat ugly rat thing." 

"Thanks, Dan, that's sweet." This makes him laugh. 

"Hey, anytime." He hakes out the cup and puts it a bit further away. "But seriously, there's something not right about Sharon. She can get so angry.. and aggressive. Have you told her to stop?"

"I'm building up to it.. but she's scary and well I'm me."

"Hm, you're like the anti-Sharon, which is good. She can be fun, nice even.. on her own."

"I know."

Dan looks surprised. I explain, "We were friends once, all five of us, me, Chris, Pj, Louise and Sharon." 

"Hard to imagine," he says. "Hey do you remember my party?" I'm grateful for the change of topic. "Well, she dragged me upstairs 'to talk,' then trapped me in my room for half an hour, breathing beer all over me, telling me why I  _had_ to go out with her, before passing out on the carpet. When I got back downstairs you'd already gone."

Relief flood through me, the sun shines brighter and the chips taste more.. chippy? "I thought you were more than friends," I say.

"Well.. she's quite  _touchy feely_ ," Dan says. "And I think she needs a friend.. but Phil, I'm sorry she was saying all those things to you, I honestly had no idea." 

I stare at the sea. It wasn't just the things she said, it was the looks, the texts - everything. I decide that now isn't the time to go into all that. Dan is  _not_ going out with Sharon! Thank god! The sun is shining and we're together.

"I've just realised something," I say, turning to him. "I'm fine.. everything is fine.. I'm not worried about the final." He looks at me with kind, smiling eyes, trying to work out if I'm telling the truth and I can't quite believe that I, Philip Lester am here with the Daniel Howell. "Do you know what we should do, Daniel?"

"Oh, what do you propose, Philip?"

"Go on that," I point at a ride at the end of the pier. It's a giant roller coaster and its track twists and turns high into the sky and over the sea. "The Crazy Mouse," I say, reading the name that flashes on the side.

"Come on, then," says Dan, pulling me to my feet and dragging me up the pebbles. I say 'dragging' but there may be the tiniest possibility that he is holding my hand. A few seconds he lets go, but my fingers are still tingling from his touch when the safety bar locks us into the Crazy mouse. 

We fly around in circles, the carriages shooting off the edge of the pier only to be whipped back in at the last moment. I love fast rides but it turns out Dan doesn't. He buries his head in his arms for the whole free minutes and just repeats 'Oh no oh no oh no," not appreciating any of my 'the people look like ants!' comments. 

Knowing that Dan doesn't love my bully makes him less mysterious, and as we wander around Brighton's odd little shops, I feel like I belong at his side as creepy as it sounds. When he looks at his phone, I don't assume he's desperate for a friend to ring and save him from the boredom of spending time with dull Phil Lester: he is just checking the time.

Before we get the bus home, Dan buys us a milkshake from the café where you pick your own flavours. We only have enough money for one, so we have to share. He lets me choose. Strawberry cheesecake and Milky Way: the perfect way to end a perfect kinda day.

-

Dan and I get the bus back in time for our rehearsal. In face, we're early which makes Lulu narrow her eyes. We're in such a good mood, and so keen to get going, that she gives us the benefit of the doubt and accepts that school has shut twenty minutes early because the toilets have broken, and it's non-uniform day. 

"We have a week of rehearsals left, less that that. Today you have to do an aerial move or we're taking them all out," says Lulu in a voice that doesn't match her tiny height. 

"We can do it," says Dan. Ray puts on our finals song, and Fan and I move through the dance, building up to our first aerial: the moon flip. He puts both hands on my waist and I jump. He swings me higher and higher, over and around his shoulder. We reach the point where I normally tumble to the floor but, today, it's effortless: Dan's arms are like steel and his hands grip me firmly as I fly round. The room spins and then I my feet and surely. 

We freeze, Dan's hands still on my waist. Lulu grins and, with a massive whoop, Ray leaps off the stage. "We did it." Says Dan, amazed and shocked. He gives my wrist a squeeze. "We did it!" Then he frowns. "What's the matter? Are you okay?"

I clutch my hand to my mouth and feel the blood drain from my face. "Oh, no.." I gasp before pulling away from the other boy and rushing out of the hall. I make it to the toilet just in time.. 

The bunking, the chips, the Crazy Mouse, the trust about Sharon and the milkshake were all shaken up when Dan flipped me upside down. I'm sick, really sick, but even as Lulu rushes in and rubs my back in tiny circles I still manage to smile and say, "We did it, didn't we? Was is good?" 

"It was perfect." 

Having gargled with water about twenty times and quickly chewing half a pack of Ray's gum, I sheepishly wander back into the hall. After promising to Lulu I feel fine, our practice continues. "That was pretty funny," says Dan. "But maybe don't do that on live Tv?"

"Right," interrupts Ray, "remember, all aerials are dangerous, so concentrate. One mistake can result in serious injury."

  
"Or serious sickness.."

  
"Shut up, Dan." 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	14. ...

"Feeling better, Phil?" asks the supply teacher in form the next morning. I feel bad for a second but then remember that I was  _actually_ sick so, in a way, I'm not lying.

In my quietest voice, I tell Chris all about my day with Dan and I spent in Brighton, leaving out a few important details. Even so, he looks at me shyly and says, "You two are taking the whole 'partner' thing really seriously." I'm saved from having to say anything back by the register being called, but Chris keeps smiling to himself and looks at me out of the corner of his eye. I shake my head like he's a big fool, which he is, this makes him grin more.

I'm treated to almost a week of Sharon-free days at school as the Dancing ladies go into dance overdrive. Each night, Dan and I are similarly immersed in rehearsals and practising the aerials again and again. By thursday, we can moo-flip, the final finish, pancake, chuck and judo-flip with ease... and without me puking. 

On friday, I'm queuing in the canteen, running through the hand signal to the moon flip in my head, when my thoughts are interrupted by Sharon's annoying voice. With lauren, she pushes to the front of the line and begins telling some year seven girl to 'lend' her a pound. With Sharon standing over her, the girl opens her small purse and looks inside. The thing that really gets to me is the purse. It's shaped like a little cat. For some reason, that makes what Sharon is doing even worse. The girl looks scared, her hands are trembling so much she can't get her money out.

"I've only got enough for my lunch," she says in a whisper. 

"Oh well," says Sharon, snatching the purse and taking the money. "Ta." She drops the empty purse back into the girl's hands. The girl remains behind Sharon, trying and failing to zip her purse back up.

My body is shaking. I'm furious. I leave my place in queue and walk up to them. "What do you want?" asks Sharon. 

"I want  _you_ to give that girl her money back," I say, trying to keep my voice calm as Sharon's blue eyes stare at me.

"What?"

"Give her money back." Sharon laughs, so I continue, "What makes you think you can take someone else's money off them?" The anger is showing in my voice and this makes her laugh even more. Lauren just smiles nervously. 

"She  _lent_ it to me, you fag," Sharon spits, using that word again. Then she turns around and says, "Didn't you?" to the girl with the cat purse. The girl nods and stares at the ground, probably hating me for getting involved and making everything worse. " _See._ So why don't you mind your own business, you dumb arse bitch?" she says the last three words quietly and without emotion, almost like they're my name. Then she turns away as though another problem has been sorted out.

I give her a shove on the back. I have to force myself to do it gently since she's a girl and I'm a gentleman. Sharon spins around. "She doesn't want to give you her money. You forced her to. You steal off of fucking year sevens. I can cope with you calling me 'dumb,' and 'arse' but 'bitch?' Without realising it, I have begun to shout and step closer to her. "That is  _you_ Sharon Harris. You are one  _massive_ bitch, probably the biggest bitch in the school. And I am personally sick of it!" 

I point at the girl's purse. "A cat, Sharon.. what even are you?" I'm really shouting now and although I know it sounds massively uncool, I just can't stop my voice from rising until I finally yell, "Now give her back her pound!" 

The canteen is silent. Sharon stands there staring at me, her glossy mouth hanging open. Then she composes herself, blinks her big eyes and sucks in her breath, pulls back her arm and throws the pound coin at my face. "There you are," she says calmly, "And have this as well." I'm so distracted by catching the pound coin I don't see her fist coming straight towards my face, until I'm pushed backwards holding my nose. That fucking bitch punched me.

 I clutch my face. A few seconds later, the pain dies down a tiny bit and I take my hand away. My whole face throbs and I can't see probably through my blurry eyes. Good thing I decided to not wear glasses today. Stretching my arms out, I feel around on the floor until I find the coin and give it back to the girl. The canteen is still deadly silent, and I notice one of the dinner ladies coming around from the kitchen to see what's going on. Time to go. 

"Thank you so much," says the girl, taking the coin and putting it back in her cat purse. "Your nose is bleeding." 

Trying to walk as normally as possible, holding my nose and ignoring stares, I find my bag and leave the canteen. As I leave, the talking starts up again. I make my way towards the boys toilets, I have to look in a mirror and see what damage Sharon has done. A blurred figure blocks my way into the room. "Phil, what happened?" It's Dan, I'd recognise that perfection of a voice from anywhere. 

"I got punched in the face," I say, laughing although tears of pain run down my swelling cheeks. He hold both of my hands, something that feels strange even though we have done it for hours and hours in rehearsals.

"How?"

"Sharon.. It's a long story."

"You need to go to the nurse. I don't think you can walk." Dan declares.

"I can walk, it's just my face she punched."

"Nope, we'll have to make a chair for you."

By now, Chris and Peej have appeared and they cross over their arms to make a seat and lift me up with Dan holding my back. I rest my arms around their shoulders while they run, very recklessly, down the corridor, yelling at people to get out of the way. By the time we get to the nurse's room, I'm laughing so hard that I forget about the pain. She still makes me lay down with a packet of peas on my face. 

"Don't eat them," Dan says laughing. They ask miss if they can stay with me and skip their next lesson, but she pushes them out. "You've got three very good friends there," she tells me. I smile behind the bag of peas and I know it's crazy, I feel really, really happy.

-

When I get out of school at the end of the day, all that's left to show for the Sharon punching incident is a tiny cut and a larger purple bruise. I've had one lesson with Sharon and she's been strangely quiet, not even whispering to her BFF's about me. I suppose I'd describe it as an icy silence, but it's definitely an improvement. The funny thing is even though she's actually hit me, I'm not scared of her anymore. I don't avoid looking in her direction, or lower my voice when I talk to Chris and PJ. She is losing her powers.

I walk across the playground and notice Dan leaning on the wall by the gate. I prepare to do our usual nod and smile as I pass by, but he leaves his friends and walks over. "Hey," he says. "You do know you've got a black eye, don't you?"

"Does it look bad?" 

"You could wear an eye patch." He falls into step with me. "Lulu's got a vintage one with cherries on it." 

"The nurse promised me they could cover it up with make-up."

"Hmm," Dan sighs doubtfully. 

As we walk to rehearsal, I tell Dan what happened in the canteen, exaggerating a little comic effect. If it had happened a couple of months ago, pre-Dan and pre-jive, I'd have probably pissed myself. Dan listens, then says, "Well done, Phil."

"For what?"

"Sticking up for that girl. Those were the actions of a fierce jiving Phan."

"They were, weren't they?" I agree.

Our rehearsal finished at eight, when Lulu says, "That's it. That's as good as it's going to get." They're all going to get pizza and ask me along, but I'm going to see Nan again, the doctors ran mum today and said she's getting worse.. so I've accepted that there's no way she's going to make it to the finals and I need to speak to her and make sure everything is alright. 

-

She's staring at the door as I walk in, like she's been waiting for me. Quickly, she arranges her more pale face into a big smile, hiding the discomfort she's obviously feel. I'm worried. I go sit next to her, the bed is so high my legs dangle down over the side. "I wish you could come watch," I say. All of a sudden, Starwars, dancing, even Dan, it all seems so unreal. To see nan, who is usually full of life, stuck in a hospital bed surrounded by beeps and wires, looking like a vampire. I realise this is real. 

"I wish I could too, more than anything." 

"It's thanks to you nan, all this." I say, as the tears start rolling down my cheek.

"Don't cry love, I said you'd love jive." She gives my hand a squeeze. I notice that all her nail varnish has chipped off.

"No, not just the dancing.. everything." Nan just frowns in confusion. 

"You seem when you got ill, I thought I'd never get the chance to tell you, but dancing changed my life. I'm happy now. I thought I was before but I kept the real me hidden away, especially at school. I would never have believed I could learn to jive, but you knew I could do it. Thank you, nan. Thank you so mu-" 

I don't get a chance to finish my sentence before a loud dull beeping noise comes from the heart machine. No. No. No, this can't be happening. I look at the machine then back at Nan. Oh god no. Her eyes are closed, she's lying still, her hand slowly falls from mine. No, no, no, no. No!

"Nan! Help! someone please! My nan!" I scream, this can't be happening. Not now, not ever. Nurses and the doctor runs in. I forgot his name but at this point who gives a shit, nothing matters apart from Nan. "Nan! Nan please!" I shout as the nurses push me out of the room, despite my shouting and begging. They all ignore me, rushing to Nans side. I just need to know she's okay. The door slams shut, the curtains closed. And suddenly I'm alone outside of Nans ward. Just.. waiting..

-

It's been about two hours. I've been waiting outside the ward, ignoring my hunger and need to piss. I'm so worried, I don't think I physically could piss. Eventually one of the nurses come out of Nans room. She doesn't look happy..

"Philip Lester?"

"Yes! That's me! Finally! Please, tell me she's okay!" 

"I'm so sorry, Philip." That's all she has to say before realisation hits me. Nan is gone. I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. It's not true.

"Liar!" 

"Philip, please.." the nurse pleads me to be quiet. 

"Then stop lying!" I run out of the waiting room. I run fast. Out of the hospital, into the street and run home. I'm screaming by the time I get home. Angry tears running down my face as I swing open the door. My mum looks at me, concerned. I run up to her and lose it. It was all so sudden. But it happened. 

"Nan's gone.." I sob, "Nan's gone.." and there's nothing anyone can do about it. 

 


	15. Chive, Phil, Chive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're outfits are the ones on the interactive introverts posters and stuffs

"Gosh, Phil, chive, chive, chive!" says a voice in my ear. I blink and jiggle up and down. What's going on? Then I have a 'chirstmas morning' moment of realisation. This isn't any old saturday.. this is Starwars saturday. I'm freaking out. Me and Dan haven't rehearsed since Nan passed away. 

Jessica have obviously been sent to wake me up and has chosen to do so by bouncing on my bed and showering me with sheets of paper. "Done you a picture," she says, her breath all chocolatey.

"It's lovely," I say, trying to focus on the one closest to my face. It's one of me and Dan dancing. I wouldn't know if mum hadn't helpfully labelled the large-headed blobs with our names. She's used a lot of red crayon and it looks like a murder on the dance floor. I guess you could say there was a panic! at the disco. She gets into bed with me, bringing all of her drawings with her. "Why are you so sticky?" I ask.

"I painted me with chocolate spread," she says, licking her arm. "Lion want some?" 

I shake my head at her and gently push her off of me then leap out of bed and head for the shower. Jessica is the best alarm clock. I do everything in a daze, I wash my hair, dry it, straighten it, get dressed, eat the toast mum insisted on making me and check through my bag. Mum's coming up to london this afternoon, Marion will be watching Jessica where they can see me on Tv.

Mum keeps giving me hugs and asking annoying questions like:  _'Will it embarrass you if I wear my glow in the dark shirt and jeans?"_ Yes.  _'Can I run on stage when you win?'_ You probably don't have to worry about that one.

I'm relieved when Lulu turns up. Jessica shrieks, "Danny! Danny! Danny!" and dives into the car, climbing on Dan's knee and clinging to his leg. I climb in after her and pull her away from Dan. She transfers her affection to me and wraps her arms around my neck demanding, 'A big french kiss!'

"Don't worry," I tell Dan. "It's not as bad as it sounds." I hold Jessica's face between my hands and then kiss her once on both of her cheeks. Satisfied, she lets mum lift her out of the car. 

"This is it, Phil," he says, grinning.

"It certainly is, Danny." As we pull away from the kerb, we both wave to mum and Jessica, who is being restrained in mums arms. Lulu is driving us up because we're finalists, we're worthy of parking at the studios. Ray has come along to, only to blast some My Chemical Romance out of the cars speakers. We all sing along to Helena as we cruise down the motorway. Lulu stopping her singing to make the odd, ' _make sure you do this'_ comment, and I start to get a really, really, pukey feeling in my tummy. 

"Apparently," says Lulu, cutting Ray off in the middle of Hang 'em high', "Loads of pubs in town are going to be showing the finals and hosting Starwars parties. I saw it on the news last night, everyone wants you to win." That's a lot of pressure. I can imagine angry drunks throwing crisps at my face on the tv screen after i screw up the final finish.

-

As we drive into london, we fall silent. Too soon, we're pulling up at the security gates and being directed to our parking space. It's all a bit different to the semi-finals. This time, Patrick and Pete greet us by name and we're taken to our very own dressing room. Admittedly, it's tiny - just a box room with a sink, sofa and lots of mirrors - but it has 'Jiving Phans' on the door, with stars around it, which makes Lulu make us pose for a photo. 

We're told not to get changed because first we rehearse and they want our hair and make-up done for filming. Lulu and Ray disappear to the hospitality room with all the other chaperones and Dan and I are taken to an empty studio, where all the finalists have gathered. 

As Pete stands up to talk, the door opens and the Dancing ladies come in looking unusually flustered. I look at Louise but she turns away from me, her cheeks red and eyes puffy. She's been crying.

"Find a seat, girls. Right, listen up because we've got a lot to tell you," says Pete. He explains exactly what we will be doing for the rest of the day. Grom her position on the floor, Sharon scans the room, presumably looking for Dan. When she sees where we're sitting, she smiles and mouths, "Hi!" 

I go to turn away, then look back. Sharon is staring  _straight_ at me, waving. Automatically, I wave back. What is going on? Then I let my hand drop down and turn back to concentrate on what Pete is saying. 

"Right, in a moment, you're going to go back to your dressing rooms and then you're all going to have the change to rehearse in this studio," he says. "You don't be watching each other because we don't want any of you being put off or getting last minute jitters." 

Dan smiles, knowing Pete's words will automatically give me last minute jitters. "Food will be brought to your dressing rooms, but I'm afraid there's going to be quite a lot of sitting around. I hope you don't mind or get to bored. Right, off you go!" 

There first group stays in and the rest of us leave. The Dancing ladies wait by the door. "Hi, You two! Oh my god, we are, like sooooo nervous. How'd you feel?" says Sharon, giving us both a big smile. I look at Louise - she must know how odd this is. She's looking better, but her eyes are still red. Holly and Lauren start chatting to me too. Clearly, it's now 'allowed.' Even Dan notices the difference and gives me a questioning look.

"Hey," says Sharon, as we walk down the corridor. "Did that short emo guy say when we're getting our make-up done?" 

"As soon as we've rehearsed," replies Dan. "Hopefully, they'll be able to sort out Phil's black eye." Thank you Daniel, for reminding me about it. Silence falls, Dan looks threatenly at Sharon. She hesitates then seems to come to a decision.

"Oh! Look, babe-" she steps forward and puts her arm around me. Ew. "- let's just forget about all that." Then she squeezes me into her, smothering me in her perfume. "Yeah?"

By now we're outside out dressing room. I know that the easiest thing to do is say, 'Yeah, okay!' and six weeks ago that's exactly what I would have done, but that boy isn't me anymore. I move away from her. 

"Do you want me to forget about you punching me?" I say. "Or about everything else? The drawing you did of me, the photo you took, what you said at Dan's party, the texts? You see, that's a lot to forget about.." 

Sharon looks at me, trying to decide what to do. She expected me to be grateful, relieve to be given the opportunity to be her friend. Holly's mouth hangs open, amazed that I'm passing up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. 

"God.. what is your problem?" Lauren asks, answering for Sharon.

"Yeah, Phil, Sharon's trying to sort everything out. You're not being fair." Adds Holly.

So now I'm the one being cruel to Sharon? I suddenly feel totally exhausted by the weeks and weeks of having to constantly on guard, waiting to see what Sharon will say or do next. I screw up my fist and shut my eyes for a second, trying to get to the point where I won't slap her in the face.

"Stop it," Louise speaks up. "This is what I was talking about, Sharon. Why can't we just do out dance? Why can't you leave Phil alone?"

As if Louise hadn't spoken, Sharon peers at me and says, "Oh, he's going to cry!" Life has rewound to that day on the bus, the day that started all of this shit, when she was waving Jessica's doll around, glitter and tea leaves on her nails, and I just stood there and let her do it. 

"He's not going to cry, Sharon," Dan replies, grabbing my hand. 

"I can't stand to be in your presence anymore, Sharon. Good luck with your dance.. come on Dan." 

 I open the dressing-room door and walk in, dragging Dan behind me. After shutting the door, I sit down on the sofa and breathe deeply. Dan comes at sits next to me and all of a sudden I realise that we're going to be in this tiny room for three long hours. I become aware of everything about Dan. I notice how his jeans are so tight. Dammit. And that his arm is resting across the back of the sofa. He's half looking at me, he could be checking out my sexy multi-coloured bruise that surrounds my eye, but I don't think so. Dammit, this is one small sofa we're sitting on. 

"Are you cold?" he asks. I nod, I left my jacket in Lulu's car and our dressing room has chilling air conditioning. He passes his hoodie to me, the grey one with horns on it, and I put it on. It smells of Dan, warm and safe. I have the urge to snuggle my face down into it and go, 'mmmm.' God, that's weird.. Thankfully, I suppress this urge. He suddenly stands up and pulls a chair in front of where I'm sitting, kicks of his converse and puts his feet up, leaving room for mine. I slip my shoes off and put my feet next to his. 

I'm wearing socks that have individual toes, sort of like gloves for my feet. I actually didn't realise I had them on. I normally wear them around the house like slippers and in the panic(!) this morning, I must of forgot to change them. They're pretty cool though, each toe is knitted a different colour and has a character from the anime Death note on it. 

"Cool socks, I love death note," Dan says.

"Thanks," I wiggle my toes. "Same goes for yours, is Gerard naked..?"

"Yep. They're my lucky MCR socks, my friend made them for me." He replies and we both stare at our feet, which are resting on the chair centimetres apart. "Do you want to know something, Phil?"

"What?" I ask, thinking about how funny life is, here I am in heaven when five minutes ago I was nearly on the verge of tears. Yes, nearly.

"I really like your socks." Dan sort of strokes(?) my toes with his feet. I stop breathing. This is the end. I have fireworks in my toes and they're spreading through my whole body. I let out the breath I was holding, but really quietly so that Dan doesn't know his toes have the power to stop my breathing. He leaves his foot just resting against mine.

"Do you want to know something else?" He has stopped looking at our toes and is now looking at me. 

"What?" I whisper, staring intently at Gerard's little pixelated ass. 

"I really like you," he says. 

I repeat the words slowly in my head and I feel as though I'm hovering at the point in the moon flip when I could fly on or crash to the ground. I know that while I look at his toes I'm safe, but if I raise my eyes to look at him I'll find out what he means. Does he like me, or  _like_ me.

But I'm far too awkward to look at him. Instead, I just lean my head to rest on his shoulder. It's something I've longed to do for weeks and it's even better than I imagined. There's a second when I'm not sure how he's going to react so I keep very still, waiting for my next clue. But he doesn't leap off of the sofa screaming, 'Get off me!' like I thought, instead he puts his hand on my thigh and moves so we're facing each other. Oh god.

Keep breathing, Phil. Just keep breathing. 

I find the courage to look at him, our eyes meet for a second, he smiles that adorable smile and then I go red and bury my face back into his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Dan, I'm just too awkward to move right now." 

Then, as if in slow motion, I sit up. He puts his hand on the side of my face and, as smoothly as a perfectly executed dance move, we both lean in..

"Sandwiches!" The door is flung open by a man pulling a metal trolley into the room. Dan and I leap off of the sofa, our lips having met for only a fraction of a second. In fact, I don't think they even met at all. "Now, what do you want? We've got cheese and tomato, cheese and pickle, ham, oh and just cheese."

That's a lot of cheese.." says Dan in a relatively normal voice as he studies the trolley, choosing one of the paper plates. "I don't like cheese.." I mutter so no one can hear me. Just as the crazy sandwich cheese man is backing out of the room, Patrick sticks his head in the door. 

"Don't eat those. Time for your rehearsal and then make-up."

-

Our rehearsal goes great, I didn't fall and I didn't puke. Now time for our make-up. My jive 'look' requires a good hour of make-up which consists a bit of eyeliner, some mascara.. and lots of pale concealer. Dan's having his make-up done to match in our dressing room. When I get back to our room, it's silent. Dan's make-up must already be finished. Self-consciously, I hover outside, before opening the door and slipping into the room. "Hello," Dan looks up from his phone. "Have you seen Philip Lester, my dance partner?" 

"Very funny," I say, perching on the edge of the sofa. I have been brushed and painted all over, even my neck has make-up on it. 

"That is a serious amount of make-up," he laughs. "Are you wearing mascara?"

"Hey, she said wanted to define my, quote 'lush' eyes." 

We laugh then hesitate a bit. I need to get changed, but I don't think one almost kiss with Dan has prepared either off us to strip to our boxers just yet. Yet.. 

"Right, I'll go change in the bathroom," he says, like a gentleman then leaves the room. Nan would be proud. 

-

When I'm ready, I stand in front of the mirror. I have an entirely new outfit. Starwars took over our outfits for the finals and I'm not complaining one bit. So here I am, wearing tight black jeans yet again, with a lovely plain white shirt and a red, adidas I think, jacket. From what I saw earlier, Dan has the same black jeans, but with a white jumper instead of a jacket. 

I study my reflection and although I know I look good, I still can't bring myself to open the door and show Dan, even though he's wearing nearly the same thing. Get a grip, Phil. Millions of fans who are total strangers to you are about to see you like this. I open the door. He's leaning against the wall opposite the door. 

"I'm ready," I say. Well obviously.

He comes back into the room and he looks at me in that kills me, let's call it heart eyes Howell, honestly. "Phil, you look beautiful, in a man way." Yes beautiful. That is the word he just said. Phil + beautiful in a man way = me. I repeat that in my head to prolong the glow that is spreading over me. "Now," he says, closing the door. "Assume the close hold, but not too close, or you'll smudge my manly make-up." - His make-up is the same as mine but obviously a darker concealer.

"Are we practising?" I ask as we do a miniature version of our dance around our dressing room.

"Sort of," he says pulling me closer. We step around the room with Dan providing the music. Hundreds of questions flash through my head; involving the words, 'really like,' 'kiss,' 'beautiful' and even 'boyfriends.'

Our dance finishes when Dan's phone rings and it's not long before Patrick pops his head round the door to let us know our families are here. "Less than an hour to go, guys!" he says before he leaves the room. 

-

At eight, a speaker in the corner of our dressing room bursts into life and we hear the Starwars theme tune. By now, we are both sitting on the tiny sofa and staring at the wall. Although we can't actually see the first dancers, we can hear their music, Bruce's commentary and the audiences reactions. 

Soon, a runner arrives to take us to warm-up and before we know it, we're backstage, holding hands and listening to the applause for the dancers who are leaving the stage. Lulu holds up her hand and begins to countdown. 

Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

Then she gives us a shove and we run on. 

Our music fills the studio as we enter the stage, find our position and step into a close hold. Out of the corner of my eye I see a blur of cameras, bright lights and the faces of the waiting audience. Then, a second later we start our dance. At first the tempo is slow, very slow for a rock 'n' roll song, and we waltz in slow-motion for a couple of seconds. I can feel our hearts beating as we force ourselves to keep the pace down. Then the music finally speeds up and so do we, flying into the moon flip at a speed I never dreamt we'd achieve when we began to dance together. 

We're so fast you can tell the audience isn't expecting me to spin over. We hear a collective gasp, then we're surrounded by cheering and whooping. Swinging through our solos and aerials, the audience responds to each stage of our dance until we're coming to our final lift. 

I'm grinning like a madman as I turn up and over Dan's shoulder, where he holds me until the last beat of the track. He lowers me to the ground and we let the applause wash over us, holding hands, laughing and trying to catch our breath. Well I definitely was.

Before I could stand back up right, Dan was leaning down to kiss me. I leant in to meet his lips and, oh my god. Our lips immediately moved against each other, fitting together just right. The audience was cheering louder than before now as Bruce was wolf whistling at us. He pulled away and pulled me to my feet, then we bowed to the crowd, my cheeks still flaming red. 

"How about that, ladies and gentleman?" Bruce shouts to the crowd, running over to us. "Now, Dan, you promised us something special, and you definitely delivered! How did you do all that in such a short amount of time?"

"Well, we have great teachers, my sister Lulu, and her  _now_ boyfriend Ray. They're here tonight-" through the glare of spotlights I make out Lulu and Ray, waving at the camera right in front of their faces - "and I have an amazing partner." There is a collective, 'awhh!' from the audience, along with a few whistles. 

"So, Phil, anyone you'd like to mention?"  

"Just my mum, dad and Nan. I wish you were still with us Nan, I miss you so much and thank you mum for believing in me!" Tears start forming in my eyes, Dan seems to notice and pulls me closer to his body. 

"Great, so hello mum, and thank you Jiving Phans - you were spectacular!" We run offstage to a final round of applause. 

-

As we are one of the last acts, we don't have to wait long until everyone is brought back onstage. The Dancing ladies are at the opposite end of the stage to us and are looking just as nervous as everyone else. Bruce welcomes back the viewers and begins to describe the wonderful opportunities that await the winners.

"Ladies and gentleman, tonight there can only be one group who performs in the west end. The judges have made their decision. Dancers, if you hear your name, I would like you to take a step back; you have not won Starwars."

After an agonising pause, he reads out the first name, "Bollywood! I'm sorry!" The group of girls next to us draw their breath and on of them even starts to cry as she realises that they haven't won. They stand back in the shadows beyond the reach of the spotlights. 

Bruce continues eliminating groups, Dan and I hold hands so tightly I can't feel my fingers. "Mango Tango!" With each name he pauses to allow the cameras time to film the disappointment on the dancers' faces. "The Follies! Element! The Dancing ladies!" I hear Sharon gasp at the end of the row and then she shakes her head as the others hug her sides. 

"Please take a step back," reminds Bruce. They disappear from sight. He reads out several more names, ending with 'Dance Collect.' The drum roll starts. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have  _three_ remaining dancers." The stage is now almost empty except for two other groups. One is made up of five girls wearing tailored trousers and waistcoats. The other is a group of boys who are seriously athletic street dancers.

"Kiss, No angels and Jiving Phans. You are the acts our judges have been agonising over. Unfortunately, there can only be  _one_ winner tonight.." 

Bruce pauses and takes a gold envelope out of his pocket, which he opens as the drums get louder. "If I read out your name. You have not won Starwars." I take a deep breath and shut up eyes, Dan does the same.

"Kiss! I'm so sorry!" The audience groans and claps. Relief surges through me and I open my eyes to see the girls wearing waistcoats step back. "Jiving Phans and No angels. There is one name on this card." Bruce says, coming to stand between us. He pauses and takes a breath.

"No angels... You are our Starwars champions!" 

It takes me a second to work out what has happened. I stand there, staring into the distance, clutching Dan's hand. A camera swings in front of my face and I look up at Dan, vaguely aware that No angels are going crazy somewhere to the left of me. 

We didn't win. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	16. oh god..

 

What do you do the day after nearly winning a Tv dance show and being kissed for the first time in your life on live Tv? Make a lego swimming pool with your three year old sister, of course.. oh, and your boyfriend. 

_Boyfriend._ That sounds good. 

_My_ boyfriend  _Daniel Howell,_ sounds even better. 

This is definitely our best lego creation ever because Dan makes a waterslide that you can actually keep running water flowing down.

 -

After lego, we wander to the church yard to meet mum. We have to stop a few times to pose for photos but the whole 'celebrity' thing is fun, especially when a radiologist aks us to do the moon flip in the middle of the street. 

Mum tells us we danced like 'Fred and Ginger' - I'll have to google them later - and gives us £10, telling us to go enjoy ourselves. As we're about to head to town I stop and run to hug mum. Whilst thanking her for the money, I'm looking at Nan's grave. "I'm really sorry I didn't win for you, Nan." I mumble into my mums shirt, tears forming in my eyes.

"But you  _did_ win, Phil." Mum interrupts and turns me to face Dan. "Just like she thought you would." I hug her again tightly and wave goodbye, a massive smile on my face as I run back to Dan. 

-

Dan and I wander through the park by the hospital. In our town, it's hard to find anything to do on a sunday, even with £10, but in the end we buy toasties and milkshakes in a café and have a picnic by the duck pond. After eating, we lay down on the grass and I put my head on Dan's chest, cuddling into him. 

"Hey, Phil," He says. "I think this might be better than starring in a West End musical." 

"Today," I say in my reporter voice, "Daniel Howell will be feeding the ducks in the park with his boyfriend, Philip Lester!" 

"Exactly," he giggles, pulling me closer. "It couldn't be better." 

-

Now I know what you're thinking. What do you do  _two_ days after nearly winning a Tv dance show and being kissed for the first time in your life on live Tv?

Go to boring school, of course. I give Jessica a massive kiss then walk down my garden path to the bus stop. 

"Bye, gruffy face!" she yells. 

"Bye, gruffy face botty bird!" I shout back. She loves that one, and runs back inside to tell Mum. 

-

The year elevens are by the Co-op like usual. I go sit on the wall but not right at the very end, in fact, I sit quite close to them. When the bus pulls up, they've quizzed me about how much we got paid - nothing at all - and if Bruce is 'shaggable' in my opinion no.

Walking down the bus, I see Louise in our usual place, and Dan sitting across the aisle. They both have an empty seat next to them. In front of Dan, I see Boris, all alone as usual, grinning up at me. 

"Hey guys!" I say to them, "Shove up, Boris!" He is so happy he hugs my arm, Louise moving to sit next to Dan. "Boris' got a rabbit with only three legs," I tell them, I know an awful lot about three-legged Pepper. 

"I've got a dog with one eye," Dan shrugs. 

"I've got a cat, Pinky, and she's got everything," says Louise, "Except fur, it fell out after a fight with a fox." 

"She dresses it in baby clothes," I add. This makes Boris gasp with delight and, of course, Louise gets her phone out and starts showing  him pictures. 

"Hey, Dan," I say, grinning. 

"Hey, baby," he says back, our fingers meeting over the bus seat. Just the, I catch sight of Sharon, sitting towards the back of the bus. She's resting her face in her hand, leaning on the seat in front of her and she's looking at me. 

I'm used to the starting, but it's different today. Even though she's surrounded by friends, she doesn't seem apart of it. Usually, she is in the middle of the action, the queen of every situation. We lock eyes, I don't look away. Then she smiles, but not her usual, sarcastic, horrid smile. Just a real, normal smile. She waves at me then her smile vanishes and she turns back to her friends, telling Holly how her new coat makes her look fat. Even though I know she's not looking, I smile and wave back.

"Hey, look at this one, Dan," says Louise, shoving her phone under his nose. What is it now? "It's Phil in his sister's cat costume... can you believe he squeezed into that?" 

Oh god no.. 

 

The end. :) 

 


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